put the remote down...

ADIOS, crackies!!!!!!!

2008-02-27T14:05:00.003-05:00

here at crack rules, inc., there has been a change. we regret to inform you that THE Addict has entered rehab and this blog will become a mere crack-induced hallucination. and now a word from our precious Addict:

I THANK YOU FOR SUPPORTING ME THROUGHOUT MY DAYS HERE ON THE BLOGOSPHERE. I LOVE YOU GUYS AND YOU LOVED ME BACK. PIPES UP! SO I HIGHLY SUGGEST YOU VENTURE ONTO MY SUBSTANCE ABUSE COUNSELOR'S PAGE.....THE PRETTY CIRCLE. ROCK ON!

it's been fun!

sincerely,
management

I Loves Me Some Chicken...But This Right Here...

2008-02-20T22:59:00.001-05:00

Making the Band 4: Return of the Goony-Goo-Goo's

2008-02-05T14:39:00.001-05:00

hey peoples! crack isn't wack! and yes, it's back! so let's just jump right into diddy madness. i must admit that the actual first ep was such a snoozer that it didn't deserve it's own post. but in the event that you don't know what's up...the boy group (who i named the goony goo-goo's), along with wackity kane and donnie the solo star are all back and have to record their albums at the same time in 5 weeks time.

ok, fast forward to the 2nd ep, the recording begins and robert a.k.a. "s-curl" is whining like keith sweat because he feels like his voice isn't shining like he wants it to......meaning, he wants to be the lead singer on ALL of the songs. um, there are 5, count 'em, 1...2...3...4...5 dudes up in this group, so NOTE TO ROBERT: you are not donnie the solo star, therefore you have to share your viddles with the other pups, simmer down!

sidebar:::WHO in the tarnation picked out the dead possum that lays on d. woods head calling itself a wig?

the extreme short side mixed with the extreme long side renders itself quite odd. maybe she should try a wet raccoon or a shaved muskrat...but the possum must GOOOOO!!!

sidebar:::where DA HECK is willie from? i had no idea his accent was so friggin country...and i mean CUNTRY!! that, and the receding hairline is really taking away from his sexy. note to willie, keep your hat perched on the front of your forehead and speak in russian or japanese...your hotness will thrive in bunches, i promise!

also, when is brian gonna get those micro mini ashy braids cut? i am still in shock that robert had to cut his and get the s-curl, yet brian still has those tired braids...with the nerve to have beads hanging from them, just chillin! not cute boo, neither are the 5 cuts in the eyebrows....sooooooooooo 1991! bleh!

wakity kane wasn't talking about much except for the fact that dawn is liking her some qwanell.

qwanell

qwanell

i'm sorry, that name puts me in a stupor. can SOMEONE on this green earth explain the science behind the word qwanell. how you have a "q" without the "u" right behind it? why have the "w" without a "c" or "k" in front? it would be just as weird looking. cwanell. kwanell. actually, i like kwanell. ok, enough about that....onto the funny ish that is d. woods and robert.

see, what had happened was, robert likeded d. woods and wanted to take her to dinner but the girls decided to look up robert's myspace page to see if they could get some dirt on him. lo and behold, there are pics of him and some chick named june, a.k.a. junebug all hugged up. so when s-curl arrives to get d. woods (who by the way was straight chilling in her wig scarf and sweats not trying to go anywhere) he thought the girls were trying to insinuate something sooooooooo, he got a little hot around the s-curl. ensue fight number 1:

s-curl: aw, ya'll funny. i don't even control my myspace page
d. woods: oh ok, whatevs
s: no for real! ya gotta believe me!
d: um, ok dude, whatevs
s: no like for real, you're hot, sexy, fly, i like your style, your swagger and i wouldn't try and play you like that! i love your wig! BELIEEEEEEEEEEEVE ME!!
d: um, calm down dude, like for real, not that big a'deal
s: ahhhhhhhhhhhh! i hate my haircut....i really want my braids back! wait, wrong topic
d: you're so wackity!

i kinda feel bad for s-curl, because diddy tore into that *ss too! the other 4 pups called robert out about the whining cuz he isn't the lead singer. what was so sad about it was how s-curl totally punked out, almost to the point of tears. i guess when someone asks you if you have some b*tch-assness" in you, you tend to chill. ROFL! B*TCH-ASSNESS!!!!!!!!!!!! the hilarity! diddy was straight up like " robert, do you have some b*tch-assness in you? cuz i kinda saw some b*tch-assness in you from how you handled your girl" oh help me lawd! what man ever wants to hear that? well, regardless, poor s-curl became the whipping boy and now, he doesn't care about brotherhood, or friendships. i think that when he got his braids cut off, a chunk of his man balls got chopped as well. i weep for you robert, i weep.

other than that, no one else really had much to say in this ep. besides the d. woods/s-curl fight and dawn caressing qwanell's overbite, having dinner with the overbite, snuggling with the overbite, going to church with the overbite and naming the overbite dontavius, and aubrey shaking her ratty, knotted weave, there was no real action. WAIT!! qwanell and dontavius caught the holy ghost!

that and mike has a veeeeeeeeeeery feminine church clap....i must find the clip..........stay tuned! (**UPDATE: THE GOONEY GOO-GOO'S WERE ON THE WENDY WILLIAMS RADIO SHOW TODAY AND SHE ALSO CONFIRMED THAT MIKE HAS SOME VERY FEMININE WAYS ABOUT HISSELF...I FOUND THAT FUNNY...THOUGHT I WAS THE ONLY ONE. heck, those hazel *ss contacts really threw him over the edge***)

in the immortal words of willie: "ya'll ain't making surgery!"

Yes We Can

2008-02-03T14:36:00.001-05:00

So i been's a little busy.........

2008-01-26T17:22:00.000-05:00

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...i've been missing, ya'll. i have soooooooooo fallen off of this blog...but i mean, so much has transpired. i have most certainly been partaking of the crack....just haven't written about it. i have reeeeeeeeeeeally been busy, not just forsaking for the sake of forsaking-hee, hee.the holidays buried me, i've been working on the democratic campaign for ________, and i did a lil' traveling. so, some shows have actually stopped being aired, but hmmmmmmmmmmmm....WHAT'S COMING UP???????

DIDDY'S MAKING THE BAND 4-WHOOPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE (*doing the butterfly*)

i will most certainly be writing about this, along with the Bad Girls Club, and the new season of Top Model-Season 3,085 once it starts on February 20.

love me long time...cuz i LOVES YOU :-P

******IN THE MEANTIME, MAKE SURE YOU WATCH THE SOUTH CAROLINA DEM. DEBATE TONIGHT...AND GET OUT TO VOTE ON SUPER TUESDAY (IF YOUR STATE IS ON THAT DATE OF FEB. 5) OTHERWISE, VOTE WHENEVER YOUR STATE IS SCHEDULED**********

Dear Keyshia:

2007-12-11T22:21:00.000-05:00

ok, so keyshia,

honey-boo...i can't, just can't take it anymore. your show is the rawest ish on tv right now. and i simply can't take it anymore. i thought the biggest obstacle was gonna be frankie-your "mom." but clearly, i was mistaken. between the therapy sessions, paternity tests, quests to reunite with miscellaneous siblings, your sister's current pregnancy and the utterly confusing wig game that frankie is rocking...i can't do it. at first i was feeling bad, like REALLY bad for you. then i felt like you were brave for putting your ish out there like that...oh, but now, i feel like this wasn't a good look.

yeah, many fams have similar drama. some may have worse. but to broadcast it on national television is just making the hairs on the back of neck stand at attention-and not in the good way. so let's just talk about the latest episode:

issue # 1, sister neffe calls and schedules to terminate her pregnancy. (this is like her third or fourth pregnancy i think). she's scared cuz she's alone and is struggling to put her life back together. i am not judging her, but this ish is really heavy. i didn't want to know that she's having an abortion. and for future reference, let's stop gettin our swerve on all willy nilly if we are not equipped to handle the possible consequences.

issue # 2, the paternity tests results came back from some dude who claimed to be your father. what tripped me out was how during the episode when he was being tested, frankie was kinda chill. she really looked like she couldn't remember if she got down with dude or not. then when the test came back negative, she was all billy bad-azz screaming on him calling him all kinds of liars. well, honey-boo, obviously, there was the question of his paternity so let's not run off at the mouth after the answer was provided.

next up, this "family reunion"...er, whose idea was this? i mean, family is great and all, but i am a FIRM believer in the fact that just because you may technically be blood-related to me, you do NOT necessarily need to be an instrumental figure in my life if you are lacking, shall we say, some "act-right." so the other miscellaneous cubs that frankie birthed came together along with your adopted family. but the whole shebang was kicked off by frankie acting a monkey-doodle fool on the bus, refusing to put her lovely new teeth in, trying to smoke on the bus, giving people the finger and talking about who could whoop her or not. like for real...i'm tired of her. i feel like perhaps she was a little secret you could have kept to yourself. i'm embarrassed. for you. for women. for mothers. and of course, for her.

then you have sibling # 6 or 7 who thought frankie was cool for trying to be hip and up to date with slang. she terrorized this daughter's kid, chased him around, made him cry, hollered in his face to "shut up" and proclaimed to be the "head b*&^h" around there. where my confusion comes in is how she really seems to struggle with the fact that you have a "family" with sense that raised you and all...yet she detests them like a sickness and actually expects her "children" to respect her as their mother. ok, like for real, this isn't funny anymore.

then you have neffe who starts a whole big deal at the table over who was sitting where. she didn't want sibling # 5 sitting by your adopted family, she wanted all the miscellaneous cubs to be seated together. well, lawd help me, but all this screaming, shouting , table beating, finger wagging and spit-slinging ensued. IN A PUBLIC RESTAURANT NO LESS! and after frankie acted monkey-doodle fool # 2, she politely sat down and sipped a big ol' martini. she blames everyone, especially the cole family, for turning you against her. clearly, it couldn't have been the crack addiction, the drinking, the promiscuity, the loud, trash mouth, the continuous public embarrassments, the paternity issues...no dear, it's those evil coles.

i killed about 2,387 brain cells watching this. i'm surprised you even have a voice to sing after actually being attached to this. but i abhor you, please stop. in your own words, "if they don't love you the way they should, then let it go."

i'm really trying to understand why BET is continuing to broadcast shows that are so depressing or degrading. at first, this stuff was funny, but it has surpassed funny and entered INSANITY! i mean, this is your life...and it is what it is, but this show is a train wreck and i am drained from watching it. i see now why you have been showing up to interviews and such all stankified. i think i would be stank too if i had all this on my plate. but my dear, you need to find a way to channel all of this negativity somewhere else...personally, it won't EVER be channeled into my living room again. i wish ya'll well.

oh, and i am dying to know the science behind your sister's names...NEFFETERIA and ELITE. was neffe conceived in a cafeteria? was your mom and her daddy complaining about having "nuffin" to eat in said cafeteria and hey, nuffin's in this cafeteria to eat, nuffin, cafeteria, nuffineria, cafenuffin...let's combine that ish into neffeteria!!! yeah..that's hot! and elite, um, i can't even think about a back story for that one...

bye boo!

HAPPY FIRST BIRTHDAY!!!!!

2007-11-27T14:37:00.000-05:00

ok, so ya'll have prolly been wondering where i've been and what has had me so preoccupied....well, my beautiful baby has turned ONE YEAR OLD!!!! she just had her fabulous party and we celebrated from saturday to tuesday (the actual birthdate). WHEW!!!! momma is exhausted, but it was all worth it for my baby girl. so HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU, PRINCESS!!!!!

yes, that was her cake!

now back to my regularly scheduled craziness.......

OK, Ya'll Got It Twisted!!!

2007-11-14T14:07:00.000-05:00

ok, so i haven't posted in a hot minute, but this right here got a crackie HEATED!!!

Anonymous said...

retarded, fake , whore , fugly c** dripping p**** eating b**** that is who kimora is.....

November 14, 2007 1:42 PM

Anonymous said...

mean, a bitch from hell and tacky, tacky ,tacky
yes she has money but she will always look like a cheap filthy WHORE!!!

anonymous cowards get absolutely NO love and NO respect on this here blog. if you have something to say, you're gonna have to have some type of identity here, and you STILL might get deleted. i will not allow malicious comments to be posted about other commenters OR the subjects of my blog. jokes are one thing, observations and opinion is another. but evil, vulgar and vicious behavior is something totally different. i mean, aren't we adults here?

SO GET A LIFE OR GET SOME NERVES, but most importantly, have some respect. what we do here is all in fun, but vicious statements and attacks will NOT be tolerated. MAMA DON'T PLAY THAT! so take your cowardly lion @zz on somewhere else......

Tagged, I've Been...

2007-11-02T15:36:00.000-04:00

FIRST, let me say that i know i have been soooooo lax in my post schedule....BUT my computer is from hell and is a habitual crack smoker as well, so this heifer hasn't been the most dependable thing as of late. also, i have been suuuuuper busy planning my baby's 1st birthday extravaganza. yes, it will be an EXTRAVAGANZA, nuff said

so my lovely cousin ELLE has tagged me and i shall do my part here...

A). Link to the person that tagged you and post the rules on your blog...
B). Share 7 random and/or weird facts about yourself...
C). Tag 7 random people at the end of your post and include links to their blogs...
D). Let each person know that they've been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

THE CRACKTASTIC ANSWERS:

1. i like to bite my toenails

2. i have a wig named "hot ho stroll"

3. i have a gold crown on my third right molar...i used to want a gold cap in the front with a dollar sign in it, but where i used to live, like, er'body had one, so i didn't feel original

4. i like to put chili powder on EVERYTHING!

5. my middle name is (don't laugh!) LaRaybia (reminds you of labia, doesn't it)

6. i LOVE to wear legwarmers in the summer

7. i once stood on a corner wearing a bathing suit and a sign that read "THE END IS NEAR" and threw condoms at cars for 1 hour (trying to get them in the windows that were rolled down)

ok, lemme stop....

THE FOR REAL ANSWERS:

1. i have ocd

2. i laugh at people when they fall, no matter how old, young, hurt they are (i'm terrible, i know)
3. i attract really insecure people

4. i was a closet ciggie smoker in college (complete with three hidden cover-up stashes hidden in my room, my car and my purse to hide the scent, which was hand sanitizer, aerosol spray, listerine, toothbrush and toothpaste-travel size of course, gum, mints, body spray and lip gloss)
5. i can cook really well, but am often to lazy to actually do it

6. i am mesmerized by big boi from outkast's pretty veneers

7. i still want to be a supermodel, even tho i'm fat & old

i'm not taggin anyone cuz i don't really have anyone to tag that hasn't done this already, so if you stumble upon this and want to tag yourself via ME, hey...do your thang!

P.S. my regularly scheduled posts will resume super soon..........

BET is on POINT!!!!

2007-10-24T10:25:00.000-04:00

boy, how do i love BET? let me count the ways...they are really trying to make a comeback! i loves me some them. ok, lemme stop.....but i accidentally caught the series premiere of their new show College Hill: Interns. PRAISE THE LAWD AND PASS THE PEAS!!! i'm in love!

basically there is a group of ten college age folks who go to chicago to intern and be guided by dr. ian smith (celebrity fit club & 50-Million Pound Challenge).

so of course, last night was the intro episode where we got to meet this "interesting" group of chill'ens.

so this is marc. he just graduated from college and had a 4 year basketball scholarship. he's interested in all things sports and seems like he'll be the playboy of the group.

enter jenna. aw lawd! i TOTALLY know someone like her. she's cute and smart, graduated from college cum laude. has a boyfriend, yet openly flirts with marc once she sits down with him. but the biggest turnoff about her is her MOUTH! she so L-O-U-D!!! i hate that. the more she spoke, they more she revealed that she's the loud one who wants ALL of the attention, wants all the boys to be in love with her, all the girls to envy her, all people on general to be impressed with her and her "smarts" and she worked my nerve from start to finish!

then comes lonnie. he initially looks like he could play the human version of theodore from alvin and the chipmunks cuz his cheeks are like...

anyhoo, i forgot his stats, but of course, jenna was right at home in her marc and lonnie sandwich, cuz you know they both love her...BLEH!

enter tationna. she's from bx, baby! and instantly i got the vibe that she considered herslef to be kinda princess-ish. you ever met someone who thought they were a fashionista, but their stuff SCREAMED bargain basement? well, there you have it.

help me lawd, and hold my mule! here's spencer. a preacher's kid from north ca'lina. (that's how some of them say it for real!) anyhoo, this brotha walked in wearing a blue suit. well you ask, what's wrong with that? well, it wasn't navy blue, wasn't black-blue...it was ROYAL BLUE, PIMP DADDY BLUE, JHERI CURL PREACHER BLUE, M&M CANDY BLUE!! ARRRRRRRGH!!!!!!!! my eyes bled from the sight. this dude is country, i mean, CUNTRY, CUNTREY! of course, the others took note of the faux pas and were utterly confused by it. but because i lived in the south for a while, i understand that some southerners have a different "style" about them. colors and patterns are their friends. and not regular colors and patterns, but really LOUD and offensive ones. kinda like.....

except he didn't have the hat. vomit stage left<<<<<<<<<

here's kathy. initially, i loved her style and her hair, until i saw her b-boy designs cut into her hair style. that totally ruined it for me. it just doesn't look professional. i mean, it was like, on some kanye west ziggy-zag tip. but her outfit was still banging. oh, and yes, she loves "p**sy." YES FOLKS, she's a lesbian and she wears too much make up so when the camera is close on her face, she looks like a BRATZ doll.

kasheef...what can i say? he's like a drunken michael bivins. he kinda looks like him, and his vioce...OMG! sounds just like him, except he speaks very slow and slurry, like he's drunk.* he's short like him too!

ivy is like the mama of the group. she's very subdued, pretty quiet and like the shrinking violet. i can see that she'll prolly be the hard worker who will end up doing extra for the slackers in the house.

*************************************************

so after everyone introduced themselves, they moved into the house which was quite lovely. they had a team building challange and relay race with everyone divided into two teams. the winning team won gift cards andthe only funny part was that tationna was on the losing team and she kept whining about how she actually broke a "sweat" and didn't even win anything. LOL!

so later on, everyone decided to go out bowling and to the club. let the bootay hunching begin. I SO HATE THAT CRAP! whatever happened to real dancing. women, grinding your bootay into a man's ween-doggy dog does not a dance make! men, trying to drill your member into the back of a young lady's skirt is not hot...UGH! anyhoo, everyone enjoyed themselves and the love fest ensued.

well, all shows start like that. (remember the last college hill? HA!) the drama shall begin shortly and a small tidbit began when all of the dudes decided to go out without the ladies and get their "stunna" on. of course with those cameras on, the hoochies were lined up and these guys were poppin bttles and everything. *enter kasheef! someone was waaaaaaaaay too happy to be on tv and have some free champagne cuz he guzzled down a whole bottle by himself and was drunk out of his mind. the other guys had to literally carry him into the house. that's so sexy! and there he lay, near the procelain throne all night....and everyone has a meeting with dr. ian the next morning.....................

we'll see how things pan out next week. i'm sure B(ootay) E(ntertainment) T(elevision) will re-run it a zillion times, so check it out!

OH! i almost forgot about these two.......

maurice...he's the cutie of the house if you ask me. but he has a lot of tattoos on his arms and i just wish these kids would stop tatting themselves up all over the place. i mean, to the degree that wearing a simple polo shirt will reveal your name, your whole family tree and whatever else you chose to have doodled all up and down your person. think about the career you even desire to have one day. image is everything peoples!

this is letia. she literally bounces out of the car and into the room wearing a tank top and mini jean skirt. she's the one who's currently "in love" and has ginormous watermelon boobs. how inappropriate did she look going into a professional meeting room with excess boobage spilling onto the table? can we say..LOTS!?! hey, but she does wish they were smaller...way to downplay your melons, lay them on your resume when meeting dr. ian while wearing spaghetti straps!

LOVE THIS HOT MESS OF A SHOW!!! WHOOPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Computer Wackosity

2007-10-23T15:49:00.000-04:00

ok, so i'm like TRYING to post and my internet connection is on some serious BLEH! i'm literally borrowing someone else's computer just to type this, but hopefully i'll be back up and running cuz i have some stuff just a'brewin' in this ignant little mind....it's itching to get out!

YOWZA!

Mario & His Mom

2007-10-21T22:30:00.000-04:00

***let me say, that while i refer to addiction in a playful manner, and yes, i crack jokes, this really isn't funny when it's as real as it was on this show. so i'm gonna attempt to be serious for a spell...and even tho this women seriously suffers/suffered from an addiction to heroin, i'm gonna give my honest opinion on what i viewed***

so i am halfway done watching the mario special about his momma and her habit. i'll be back when it's done, but let me say that as of right now...i'm disgusted with what i'm seeing.

ok, so i've returned. let me start by saying i am HEART BROKEN for mario. it is a SHAME that he had to experience such foolishness. yes, i said foolishness. yeah, yeah, yeah...addiction is a disease, but there's something i just can't get with. forget the fact that you are supposed to be grown. forget the fact that you are wasting money. forget the fact that your personal life is prolly a mess. and your health? yeah right. forget that too. but when you HAVE A CHILD/CHILDREN....oh, that's some other stuff.

no, i'm not really an addict, but maybe i'm not because i can not even fathom having an object having control of life. a substance ruining the people i love cuz i'm too selfish to stop. i cannot even wrap my mind around such a thing. ok, so some people get caught up. i'll give her that. but i have to say, if you ever find yourself caught up, how can you not look at that inncoent life that never asked to be here (that you are simultaneously ruining) and find it within yourself to overcome? and what was so freaky to me was, MARIO LOOKS JUST LIKE HER!! my kid looks just like me as well. i can't even imagine looking in that face and still just do me. this guy wrote a song for her and her shameful ways, pleading for his "mother" to stop. he even called the show 'intervention' to try to help her.

now let's revisit that later...but i'm gonna skip over to something i noticed on the show and have observed in real life. i am extremely uneasy about seeing how some single mothers shift a lot of their crap onto their sons in the absence of a spouse. BEFORE YA'LL CHOP MY HEAD OFF....continue reading. i am by no means saying that this is always the case, but it was on this show and i personally have seen it in life. the "mothers"....instead of teaching them, helping them spread their wings, they are sucking their lives out of them. dragging them down with their mess. leaning waaaaaaaaaaay too hard for them to fix this, save that, help this, pay that, do this, etc. I HATE THAT!! as a parent, you have the responsibility to be the rock for your child, not reverse. you are supposed to be the guiding light, the teacher, the EXAMPLE! and even worse, a mother, A MOTHER?!?! how can you carry a child, birth it into the world, and rob them of their joy? rob them of the best possible upbringing? rob them of success (emotional or financial) cuz you want what you want? i'm not a man so i don't know what that could be like to walk out on your fam, but a woman? to choose something else over the miracle that you AND ONLY YOU could even bring to this earth? call me crazy, but i feel like whatever wild, crazy, overly-selfish things i haven't accomplished by now...OH WELL! i have a kid now so IT'S NOT ABOUT ME!

but here we have a son, struggling to do his job, all the while with his cracked out mother dragging him down. he was unfocused. he was hurt, he was tired, he was abandoned....AND THIS CHICK HAD THE NERVE TO TRY AND FORCE HER WAY INTO HIS LIFE/CAREER BY TRYING TO BE HIS MANAGER!!!!!!!!! not only did she not know ONE thing about managing a professional singing career, she's A DAILY HEROIN USER!

i was sick to my stomach watching this. but what is even more damaging is the effects that this "leaning" behavior has on the sons. when they do grow up, they may find it hard to cut the trifling mothers from the apron strings. they may always want to linger around, checking on her. they may always feel the need to be "captain save-a-..." because she'll always be in the middle of some ish and with no man to help her shoulder the load, who do you think she'll be looking at first? this is crippling to any other relationship he ever tries to have. children are not built to carry such burdens that "ADULT" people choose to acquire for themselves, wheter it be drugs, or whatever. when such heavy issues are forced upon them at a young and inappropriate age, it stunts their progress because they have to focus on crap instead of being children and growing into their own life. and poor mario....he's not even a "regular joe." he's 21, successful and SHOULD have been living the best times of life just growing into a man, but he's been weighed down by her mess.

anyhoo, they do the intervention and she agrees to go to rehab (again). but before she leaves, she must get high again, regardless of the fact that she uses a $50 supply per day and she had a $100 supply the day before. but it gets better...she asks mario for the $50 to go buy with. HE GIVES IT TO HER. then the cameras follow her. as if that wasn't enough....she comes back and

prepares the stuff right in front of him. HE WATCHED HER GET HIGH AND EXHIBIT THAT BEHAVIOR RIGHT THERE...and he said it best "to see that, it affects me..."

all i have to say is 1) you NEVER know what someone is dealing with in their personal life, 2) life is too short to be so selfish, 3) GOD bless mario for being so strong and brave to share such a tragic story with us, and 4) i hope that woman realizes how lucky she is to have someone even willing to address the madness with her. otherwise...

...i'm just speechless

The Salt-N-Pepa Show: "Lawd, Where's my Scalpel?"

2007-10-16T16:34:00.000-04:00

i just have to say that i have just sampled my newest crack...THE SALT-N-PEPA SHOW. fly me to the moon!

let's get straight to it...salt has moved on, grown up and has her lovely christian family and life tucked away in a very warm and fuzzy little home on long island. pepa is still loud, boisterous, chasing a dream & trying to make a dollar outta fifteen cents. i love them BOTH! well, shaq is throwing some party and requests to have them perform and they met up to discuss the possibility. it went something like this...

SALT: i dunno, i'm over this

PEPA: well, i want to. you left me hanging years ago. YOU SUCK DONKEY BALLS!

SALT: i just wanna do what i wanna do, not what you wanna do or anybody else wants to do, just me and what i wanna do-DO-DOOOOOOOO!

PEPA: you owe me cuz you ruined erry'thang!

SALT: boo-hoo-hoo, i was all barfy, sticking my finger down my throat, like depressed and stuff and i was going insane in my membrane ('member that song, hee hee!)

PEPA: get over it, please! i'll wash your car, i'll be your best friend, i'll braid your hair, i'll buy you a new nose like the one i'm gonna get

SALT: ok, lemme think (mumbles: i hate you)

PEPA: (mumbles, i hate you more!)

so pepa goes out with her (rowdy) friend circle and totally trashes salt and her moral outlook. meanwhile salt is lighting candles, humming and crying to her sister circle about the decision she's facing. well, sister circle encouraged her to do it in a positive way so she called pep and the convo went kinda like this........

SALT: boo-hoo-boo, ok so i was thinking...

PEPA: uh-huh

SALT: and i think i can push it real good, i mean, i can do it for the lawd

PEPA: betta had, b*tch! SIKE, nah, but for real, you betta had...PEACE!!!

SALT: WAIT!!! i'm uncomfortable so can you go easy with me?

PEPA: um yeah, i'll try to make you more comfortable. you can cry on my shoulder...i'll hold your hand...i'll be the wind beneath your wings

SALT: um, are you speaking lesbian to me? i told you, i'm not down AND STOP DREAMING ABOUT STICKING YOUR FINGER IN MY CLEAVAGE!!

PEPA: you wish! (thinking...dang! i sure was)

so they met up to discuss some of the details about the upcoming performance like salt's need to change some lines. pep agrees and off to rehearsal they go! i almost dropped my coke bowl when i saw pepa giving an onlooker faux-fellatio as she rapped "whatta man." THAT MESS WAS HILARIOUS!! of course, salt had to pull her aside and check her. but pepa's excuse was the funniest part. she was like "i'm not in his crotch! i start at his KNEE, then i work my way up (to his crotch)." LOL

salt prolly tossed and turned all night cuz she met pepa in the park to re-discuss the previous incident. what cracked me up was how salt was just over talking and basically screaming on pepa. then pepa sat there like a lil' kid who just agreed with everything. nonetheless, shaq cancelled so salt suggested they rap at her church..."WHOOPEE!" was pepa's reply (ok, not really, but still)

showtime! pepa shows up at the church with my personal fave, see thru nipple bearing shirts and hooker boots. salt, OF COURSE, checked her again and they went on the perform "whatta man-the gospel version." but pepa had to be pepa, she carressed her body and tried to dip it to the floor/drop it like it's hot for jesus, but salt's all-seeing eye caught it and snatch her bootay right up! LOL afterward, they kissed and hugged backstage and the ep ended with salt apologizing for walking out on pep the way she did back in the day.

all in all, i love this show! it's gonna be jam-packed with hilarity and foolishness. what i noticed was salt is very strong mouthed! she will scream on you in a second, almost like you're her kid. and pepa can be all loud and crazy, but is easily punked. i love how they play the different music for the two...like when salt is on, her background music is all peaceful and mild. and when pepa is on, hers is like a thunderclap, just vicious and rough. the editors are making this show look a hot, hateful mess and i LOVES IT!!!

but WHAT I REALLY WANT TO KNOW IS WHO THE UNLICENSED HECK JACKED UP PEPA'S NOSE?!?!?! and what was so funny was when the show was airing...they kept showing her with the new nose during promos and commercials but she has the old nose on the show. it was spooky....if i could, i'd pay for her to RE-chop that thang cuz it's not working for me. what's wrong with it? i can't quite put my finger on it but something just ain't right. oh, i think it's the nostrils. they look like she's struggling to breathe. they're waaaaaaaaaay too small. lawd, give her air!

cuz, um...she's rick james, b*tch!

tune in folks!

Top Chef: Young, Dumb & Full of Hung...

2007-10-15T11:50:00.000-04:00

ok, ok...you're right! i have shucked, jived, tossed and turned and i really was trying to just block the finale of top chef out of my mind. i mean, it was no surprise that hung won...but i really just felt so listless afterward. plus, my heart is still laden with anguish and despair because of tre (le sigh)

love don't live here anymore.....

but for real, this season's finale was rather interesting. the fact that dale sashayed his way into the top three after numerous disasters that he called "meals" had my stomach in knots. casey always bored me to tears and hung was a no brainer. nonetheless, during the finale, typically kicked off chefs come back to help the remaining chefs. most times, there are a few and some get chosen while the others get booted yet again (sniggle). well, this time casey, hung and dale were given sous chefs that are famous in the cheftastic world...rocco dispirito, michelle bernstein and todd english. they could barely contain themselves, but while they were pulsating in their chef pants, a twist was thrown in, they had to add a dish to their already established 3-course meal.

enter twist # 2, booted off contestants were, in fact, coming back to help...but there's only three of them meaning that the chefs couldn't pick and choose. everyone would get someone whether they liked them or not...and my personal lover-lover howie was one of them. of course, dale started foaming at the mouth and panicking like a little poodle. casey was, um...boring. hung was hung...fast and overconfident.

long story short, casey pretty much gave up and her dishes sucked. dale was hot and cold with some good and some bad dishes. hung delivered except for when it came to his added dish and he made a molten chocolate cake....yeah, a molten chocolate cake like the one you can get at chili's or applebee's. hmph.

moving on, when it came time for the judges to chit chat with the contestants, casey should have just laid down on the floor and taken a nap. that's how much she looked like she didn't want to be there. she made excuse after excuse and gave howie the credit for the dish the judges liked best.

all in all, hung won....yum yum dim sum

all i want to know is if gail is preggers because if not, then she needs a girdle on. and maybe a fake padded booty-LOL!

and WHAT WACKO went and got a top chef 3 tattoo? nevermind, i don't even want to know...

La Pregante Scringing on Letterman

2007-10-11T11:03:00.001-04:00

ya know, i've always resented j.lo for having a successful career in the singing/scringing industry. i mean, that ish pisses me off. nonetheless, she keeps churning out the hits (and misses) with her pregnant bootay.

but lawd, why are people still allowing her to perform? LIVE!?!?!? she needs to be sipping some tea and putting her feet up...and i do not say that just because she's preggers. she needs to do that so that the public's ears can stop being assaulted by her strains and screeches. nonetheless, she took to letterman, wearing yet another shapeless frock. hold onto your hooker boots while you watch........

i love how she asked the crowd to wave their hands and told them "it's alright" as if they needed coaxing and coddling. maybe...they...just...weren't...feeling...it

j.lo, save that voice for your fetuses. maybe they'll appreciate you tearing up their lullabyes...

And the Beat Don't Stop...........

2007-10-08T22:42:00.000-04:00

check baby, check baby, one two, three, four
check baby, check baby, one two, three
check baby, check baby, one, two
check baby, check baby, one

all i wanna do is zooma zoom zoom zoom and a boom boom.............

ok, so i'm currently watching VH-1's Hip Hop Honors right now and i am on the floor.....*updates to come*

what the FUG!?!? ok, the show was on POINT...until neyo came out during the new jack swing/teddy riley tribute wearing a glittery jacket singing "remember the time". he sounded nervous and ok, i give him that, cuz that's a classic. but who in the bleached-blonde, crispy voiced, bad soprano heck told keyshia cole to come out and sing it with him? wearing two hefty cinch sacks for pants no less? she could not find the proper key to sing in...EVER! when she first realized she sounded a fright, she stopped singing and said a tired "what's up ya'll?" to the audience, as if to pause like she was just playing. but started howling again and after a while she just gave up and did a tired be-bop dance. i mean, did they have rehearsal? it straight up looked like she was back stage feeling it and was like "aw snap, that's my jam...lemme go out there" and realized that was NOT her jam, at least not her jam to be singing! UGH! my cat sounds better than that when she's getting a bath....

and who in the burnt hair grease heck told corn-chip smelling t-pain to sing ANYTHING?? let alone a classic like "i want her" by guy....oh the tragedy! now i see why he always uses the synthesizers...i really, i mean, REALLY can't sing. can't even hold a note. THEN cripsy tried to dance while scringing (screaming + singing)...hold my mule, lawd, just hold my mule! and he scared me with his overall look...those shades make him look like the boogey-man...BLEH!!

then teddy riley (looking a tad too thin and wispy for my liking) came out singing "no diggity." i mean, he gets a pass cuz his songs were the hotness...but his voice was just a'cracklin' too!! he never was the singer-singer, but geez...he was killing me softly with the crackle. and that daggone chauncy was loving his minutes on stage something serious.

i'm concerned, teddy...

if you have 6 minutes to waste....(bad audio, primarily for visual)

sidebar::::tracey morgan is a FOOL! the skit of him driving the cabs...PRICELESS!!

who in the i-can't-think-of-anyone-else heck chose nick cannon to perform? i mean, stop playin! just stop it right now! during the whodini tribute, this nut came out with his dooky chain and rapped like he was broke and the rent was due tomorrow. i know he really wants to be rapper...remember this?

but stop it, nick. please....just stop

sidebar::::why has the lead rapper from whodini STILL not gotten his bugs bunny teeth fixed? maybe they give him personality...shoot, i admit, that was the first thing i was checking for when he hit the screen...aw, forget it. celebs/pseudo-celebs love them some raggedy teefus "the teeth come out niiiiiiiiiiight"

sidebar::::how cute was nelly doing the "wop"?

sidebar::::altho jermaine dupri started out dancing in rap videos, he couldn't get it poppin' to save his life! millions of dollars and poking janet jackson on the regular will do that to ya! he could barely break dance in his cute little leather sweater. shoot, with that big belly he was sportin, he could barely get up off the floor from TRYING to break-LOLOL!

sidebar::::how stupid fresh was it that harvey keitel introduced snoop dogg?

sidebar::::aw, my boo-boo, phife dawg...that diabetes is a mess. i was worried that you were sniffing the white bandit (before i knew what it was that had you looking like that) feel better, boo boo. p.s. why was dude from zulu nation up there with them? p.p.s. thank you ali shaheed for getting YOUR buckey beaver teefus fixed. i remember when you were rocking the braces. loves it!

um, lupe fiasco ande pharrell, DOUBLE FUG to you for screwing up/switching up the words to "electric relaxation", and busta...all that hollerin'. stop it! if i didn't know the words to "scenario" i would have thought you were having a tourette syndrome scream attack. not one word you said was audible. loved the pink and green paisley coat tho!

have you ever been to a club carrying $76,000 in single dollar bills? did foxy brown ever beat you down with a cell phone? you know what free cheese is? you ever been given a diamond-encrusted challis by bishop majic don juan? you ever get lil' kim pregnant? no, then you're not hip-hop!!

Tim Gunn Strike

2007-10-04T10:30:00.000-04:00

ok, so i know i have yet to recap tim gunn's show...so i'll be honest. i haven't said a word about it because of this....

ok, lemme stop! but she does look like this to me!

see, this is jeanne (pronounced JEE-ANN, not JEEN...go figure). she was the 2nd ran over mess of a makeover tragedy to be featured. and her major accomplishment was that she lost, like 150 pounds or something. thats great! i mean, hey, being 300 pounds isn't healthy OR sexy. but what bothered me was that throughout the whole show, neither tim nor veronica really let her have it. you know...tim gunn has a super smart mouth...veronica is like the salt in the wound...he's all-knowing, she's the gorgeous sidekick...he cracks on you...she laughs and then shakes her supermodel tush in your face...you feel inferior to their beauty and fashion sense....they look at your underwear and laugh harder...you feel embarassed....on and on. but it was like, they were so easy on her cuz of her weight issue and i for one, was DISAPPOINTED.

she knows she's fat. she knows she was grotesquely fat not long ago. she knows this is a tv show. so she tried to appeal to their sympathy and it worked. that mess pissed me off. see the girl before her and after her were cute chicks. they just had some off items in their closet. but not only was jeanne a fat, gappy, tatted up mess...HER REAL CLOTHES WERE HORRID!!!!!! some of the worst i've ever seen. yet they never unleashed the dragon on her. she cried when it was time to show her ragged undies so they totally backed off. she ran out of the room and everything! and from that point on, everything she did was perfect.

i hated this ep. and it really made me not want to blog about the show for a while. i say, if you embarass one, embarrass them all....fat or thin, short or tall, married or whatever. don't feel sorry for a chick cuz she's rocking major thunder in her girdle, has duct tape holding her saddlebags up or is one big lump of flab under her spanx. and to top it off, she had approximately three bald spots in her head. who cares?? i mean, you are helping them in the end. so if they cry and roll all over the floor in the process....then the greater the end product.

i'll get over it.

i love you, tim gunn.

Pimp Slappin' H*es w/B. Scott

2007-10-02T08:27:00.000-04:00

ok, so i just HAD to post this video of b. scott and his latest adventures....from the zebra bonnet, to the h* song to the ethiopian neighbor.....EGADS! i nearly died....take a peek

ANTM: Cycle 2, Let's Light a Ciggie, Down with Twiggy & Love Tyra's Wiggie

2007-10-01T14:26:00.000-04:00

so i am disappointed....the pics from this ep are like mission impossible...but if you watched the show, then try to just recall from memory. also, i just want to say that I HATE TWIGGY! she is so dry and listless. i just want to give her a shot of sambuca and smack her hiney! LOOSEN UP! and tyra's wigs are becoming boring....i think she should have borrowed miss jay's afro wig...let's get kinky!

nonetheless, this ep introduced the green theme of the winnebago and home the mogwais will be maintaining during the season. first things first.....what the fug is going on in bianca's head that made her target lisa as her little whipping post? she was attacking this girl left and right! i really am wondering if this was a case of that "hate on the high yellow girl"...but it was like...where was all this anymosity coming from? the show just started and bianca was calling lisa out every 2 minutes. it was all pretty sad actually...and what was the most unnecessary was bianca calling lisa out for being a bikini dancer saying that ANTM would never be a stripper/dancer/bikini chick. it brought lisa to tears....and i just wanted to hug her, give her a snausage and pat her little wet head. regardless, they kissed and made up....even tho bianca was faking (sniggle, sniggle)

but onto the shoot...this one was to focus on the dangers of smoking...kinda like a psa, and every chick represented a bad effect. TALK ABOUT HILARIOUS!!!!! i mean, technically, smoking is bad (for your health) but i was dying from some of the looks these girls were doing. i have to say MILA was the funniest...she had to be a chemo patient who was suffering from cancer and hair loss, so she had these weird hair patches and a crusty mouth and THAT mess was soooooooooo funny. even she couldn't stop laughing. her head looked like firemarshall bill, except with longer strands of hair.

i can't even remember all the effects (curse those photo hoarders!), but there was everything from premature wrinkling to facial tumors and holes-in-the-throat to dead babies being born....HOT MESS!

ok, so maybe tyra was trying to "stand for something" but that crap was truly funny in its delivery! ROFL!!! regardless, after all was said and done...MILA got her leukemia-fried, patchy dome sent back to smiley-land. i guess tyra doesn't like it when you laugh at her attempts to be serious...........so ms. bunks (yes i said bunks) had to kick it up a super notch by BANNING SMOKING FOR THE REST OF THE SEASON. ok, so i would have followed right behind mila in the packing of my drawls and heading back to the crib cuz that was just a bit much. if i want to fry my brain and torch my lungs, then i think i should be able to in peace. but what will be funniest is if someone starts to have withdrawal and spazzes out on er'body, slicing up their sheets and rubbing their cooch juiced-panties on their beds like monique did in cycle 7. HA!

au revoir and penicillin to you too, MOGWAIS! and don't spark up, mama mogwai's is always watching you!

Top Chef: Like a Rhinestone Cowboy

2007-10-01T13:17:00.000-04:00

who at BRAVO TV is trying to kill me? i need to know! i'll return to that in a sec....

so this was part one of the finale and the remaining chefs were dropped off in the middle of the forest. HA HA HA! they had to whip up something for the quickfire on a friggin hot plate...now THAT'S a challenge. i could barely wrangle a hot plate in my college days, let alone in the middle of the lumpy grass with bugs and stuff flying around.

and "king seafood" brian dropped his fish in the grass. anyhoo, the main challenge in this ep was to prepare some yummy elks for a bunch o' cowboys and girls. sidebar:::who exactly IS padma? she is no chef, does nothing food-related, except EAT and i'm just wondering how she got her job. why does she get to taste all of the tasty goodness? i mean, i could be sitting up there if it's like that....just a random chick doing some random stuff. but if i WAS in padma's place...i think i would have been a little cautious about this challenge. the word "elk" just does something to me. it sounds wretched..."come n' get it....a fresh bowl of elk" EW! might as well say "come n' get your fresh bowl of rust." it sounds that unappetizing to me.

regardless, stale dale started to make something and of course, messed it up so he just started making up something as he went along, by boiling cauliflower and potatoes in milk? DOUBLE BARF!

casey dared to be different and cook the elk's ribs or something....you know, she just bores me to tears but she's really been stepping it up lately. brian cooked the shank and threw everything but the kitchen sink in it. and you know bottomless pit-padma was none-too-thrilled to wait 2.7 minutes for brian to plate and describe ALL his ingredients. hung made some i-don't-know and who cares cuz he rarely displeases the judges.

so, in the end, the judges decided to let 3 folks go onto the finale, so that meant only one person was going home. I JUST KNEW IT WAS GOING TO BE DALE!!!!!!!!!!!! but lo and behold, mix master brian and his 99 ingredients got the boot....after clutching my pearls in disbelief, the judges decided to deliver the final blow to the dome and declare DALE the challenge winner! help me lawd! this is not me hating........but for real, dale has sucked major man-pris since he's been there and i surely believe that tre would have been suited to make it this far. dale messes up EVERY episode, some kind of way. but alas, we are only left with hung the magic dragon, casey "i'm every woman" and stale stankin' dale and his super man-pris....UGH!

rehab, here i come.......

Smoking Schedule

2007-09-28T09:44:00.000-04:00

ok, so i'm instituting a schedule for my posting so er'body can KNOW FOR SURE when i've entered the building............

WEDNESDAY SHOWS (including ANTM and top chef) will be posted on MONDAYS

MONDAY SHOWS (including The Hills) will be posted on THURSDAYS

THURSDAY SHOWS (including Tim Gunn) will be posted on TUESDAYS and,

randoms will be posted, er, randomly

thank you for your patronage! now...ratty wigs and big fuzzy squirrel coat hugs for all!!!!!!!!!!

Top Chef: What in the Dale is Going On?

2007-09-23T09:04:00.000-04:00

ok, so like, someone is reeeeeeeeeally trying to get me to thrust a rusty nail into my throat. why in the cropped pants, rubber shoe, so-2-years-ago mohawk heck is DALE still on this show? we'll return to this question in a bit....

so this ep found the chefs actually in the city (ny) and they got to go to le cirque (gasp!) to do their quickfire challenge...recreating a specialty menu item of fish wrapped in potato served over creamed leeks. hung of course won, but casey was nipping at his heels in 2nd place. that droopy-eyed sara didn't even finish cooking hers, therefore serving a RAW piece of fish to sirio maccioni...how gross! what bugged me tho, was hung and his villainous way of doing everything. i see why the other chefs hate him.

i know this is a competition, but he takes it too far. he cooked his dish first and when he came out, everyone asked if he cooked on top of the stove or in the oven. hung, of course, wouldn't tell. my thing is, just tell 'em. just because you told them the method doesn't mean they are going to produce it as well as you. maybe they won't flavor it well, maybe they'll burn it, maybe it'll end up RAW, like sara. so all that extra, super-duper, top-secret spy ish isn't necessary. hung OBVIOUSLY has better knife skills and speed so he doesn't have to try to humiliate his competitors....just throw them a bone already. we all know he's gonna win anyway. geez!

nonetheless, this week's challenge was to create a great meal using the simplest of ingredients...chicken, potatoes, and a yellow onion. the twist, to cook and serve to the staff of the renowned french culinary institute.

well, casey, hung and brian made successful dishes. but sara, and dale were lagging behind in the threnches (where they usually are anyway). what killed me was brian's "big, green turd" of leek-infused whipped potatoes. it was tastey, but looked like something my kid might've pooped into her diaper...i agree with dale on that one. brian definitley had a flavorful dish tho. hung made some chicken and fried chicken skin with a potato ball that no one really liked. casey made a dish that usually is reserved for making with older roosters, but it still came out yummy. ditzy dale made 2 dishes that were supposed to be tied together by some magical fairy sauce, but dale forgot to put it on the plate so the dishes looked as dry as my coke bowl on a saturday night. sara made some MORE couscous and some jamican chicken without the jamican spices-lolol! needless to say, sara got the boot.

DOH!

personally, i think sara has been depressed since the beginning of the competition. she chain-smokes and has a relentless tired expression her face. i don't think her heart was ever in it, so she should have been sent packing long ago......but more importantly than that..DALE HAS GOT TO GO! he should have been sent home on episode three. and if for no ther reason, he is self taught, which is prolly why most of his food sucks. he is the WORST! nothing ever matches, his flavors are always wack and my cat could present her dried cat viddles better than he presents his slop. i think dale should stick to comedy and start his own designer line of man-capris with matching bandanas.....i'd buy them too!

but you couldn't pay me to eat his food BLEH!!

SASHAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i'm off to rehab.....

Adrienne Curry: A Hot White, Jew Marry-er

2007-09-23T08:49:00.001-04:00

WHOA! i absolutely LOVE when people talk out of their *sses...take a gander

“MY Boycott against BET and Black History Month
Because of my last blog, and all the wonderful feedback I got..it made me think…
This is gonna be hard guys. I LOVE the comedians on BET. I also LOVE the fact that they play my favorite show of all time, In Living Color. However, I do not believe in seperating ANY RACE in America. WE ARE AMERICANS! How dare we have Black History Month! In my eyes, the Native Americans deserve it MUCH more, seeing how we destroyed their ENTIRE SOCIETY. There are hardly any of them left! They also have been proven to have the WORST living conditions on their reservations. I want AN AMERICAN HISTORY MONTH. One where we learn about EVERY race, ALL OF OUR LEADERS, EVERYONE! I think by having a month dedicated to one race, and not one for any other, is RACIST. Every fund set up to only help people of one race is SICK and RACIST.

Yes, I get it. Black people were slaves here once. You know what? That does suck some major balls, however, it is time to move the fuck on. Do we hear the Jews crying that they were made slaves for thousands of years? Do we hear them whine that they should OWN the pyramids in Egypt because THEY broke their backs making them? Do we hear them bitch and moan about Hitler, etc? (my hubby is a Jew)Nope, we dont. It’s time for us to UNITE AS ONE. I do not think that singling out one race, giving one race opportunities to go to college (I know a TON of poor white.asian, indian, american indian, etc etc that could use that too!), giving one race the EXCUSE to blame things on others for being whatever nationality they are, is a good way at making sure we NEVER kill racism.

I am over this shit. WE ALL CAME FROM ONE BLACK WOMAN FROM AFRICA, THAT is our EVE! It has been proven by science, and I stand by it. If any other race had a chanel dedicated to just them, we would think it was racist. If any other race demanded a month be set aside for ONLY them, they would be considered racist. I am NOT living by this double standard any longer.
Think I am racist? I am not. I know what racism is. I dated a guy named “Justin” in Junior high. Nothing serious, but I really liked him. He was the blackest of black…BEAUTIFUL skin, kinda like Alex Wek’s. He was handsome, and athletic, etc. I was called a nigger lover. But you know what? I was called that by a whole 2 people out of a school with HUNDREDS of students. THAT is why I am NOT buying this racist shit anymore. Let us teach or children that there is NO DIFFERENCE! We are all human. I hope one day aliens land and try to kill us. Maybe THEN we would finally realize that WE are ONE.

So, I will no longer tune into BET. This is going to suck, but I do NOT like the idea of having a chanel for only 1 race. In the year 2007 in a country that is supposed to be the most advanced and equal. This is unexceptable! I will also no longer acknowledge Black History Month. Instead, I will see it the way that Morgan Freeman does (I have the quote at the bottom of my last blog on Obama/jesseJackson, and OJ). AMERICAN HISTORY MONTH! I will read/watch/and learn about ALL the people who made a difference in this country.

I am asking you ALL to join me. Black, White, Indian, Asian, Russian, Australian, etc etc…..lets be AMERICANS together! What happened to the African American community was AMERICAN HISTORY, not BLACK HISTORY. If you want to celebrate in a way that excludes others and singles one race out, count me the FUCK out! I am soooo proud to be an American. I am SO proud that I have friends of every race, and none of us see each other as anything but what we are..people. Lets change Black History Month to 2 months of AMERICAN HISTORY. We will still learn about all the black leaders and people who made a difference….just not with the racist name of “Black History Month”. It has to start somewhere. I am going to do my part in making sure we are all treated EQUAL in a country that CLAIMS we are. NO MORE SPECIAL TREATMENT FOR ANYONE WITH ANYTHING!

It will never happen. At least, that is what many of you will say…FINE! My number one priority here is being able to die and know that I stood up for what I believed in, and that I did not add to the SEPERATION OF AMERICANS!! I love my country, I love the people in it. I love our history, good and bad. We should LEARN from it,not dwell in it and not move forward. That’s why I am done with this shit. You are all my brothers and sisters…..even if I think you suck ; ) As Bono said, “One life, with each other..sisters…brothers!”

now, have fun burning me at the stake ; )”

PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE...DISCUSS!

that's right, adrienne...keep enriching us racist americans with visions of your flat *ss. it makes everything you say THAT much more credible and sensible....

ANTM - NEW SEASON RETURN OF THE MOGWAIS (& crackheads)

2007-09-20T08:35:00.000-04:00

"um, she's like...a crackhead" BOO-HOO-HOO
-ebony, evil knieval

oh sweet saviour...just take me right now! these girls are so chock full o' drama, i don't know who to fake-cry for first! but let me say this, ebony's mama is a woman after my own heart...SMOKE IT UP, GIRL!!!

ok, boring stuff first...33 chicks met up on a cruise ship and had some walking and photo challenges. 33 dwindled to 20 then 20 fizzled to 13. there are THIRTEEN new mogwais to keep our eyeballs glued to the tube and my opinion of them are as follows:

AMBREAL- um, what is an ambreal? just wondering...i feel like that's an object perhaps used for communing with great mother earth or maybe the ghosts of christmas future. "hey, bring me the ambreal incense and wind chimes!" or " do you have a spare ambreal pot? i'm making homemade candles tonight." ANYHOO, she's ok i guess. i'm not overly excited about her. maybe she'll woo me once she starts taking pictures....we'll see!

BIANCA- gotta love her for showing up with a $25 weave with purple bangs. i have a question....who picks out these hideous outfits that the girls are wearing in these pics? already, bianca is looking like a sickly scarecrow in that granmama moo-moo top and skinny jeans that are too skinny for her skinnies. i feel like she might be able to bring some sass later on.....

CHANTAL - her body is ridiculous and she seems like she might be a top contender. altho i think her face photographs kinda old, she has an effortless air about her. hate the 70's disco top and bright white shoes-BOOO!

HEATHER - when i first saw her and her self-professed "computer-hump" i nearly fell off the couch in laughter! she is awkward and lanky and has a HUGE mole on her chin that waved at me....but her photos were so...nice! but you know there had to be a missing piece to her sob story...she suffers from a form of autism called asperger's syndrome which makes her socially awkward and withdrawn.....hmmmmmmmmmmmm. i thought this was america's next top model....not hermit

JANET - i like her...well, i DID like her until she wanted to faux-wax tyra banks' tuna roll from the back. i mean, ok...you're an aesthetician, but did we need a demo wax session complete with spreading of tyra's booty cheeks and sticking your hands in her crack and fake-ripping the wax? that disturbed me...yet intrigued me at the same time. maybe her pixie powers have captivated me...

KIMBERLY - to be honest, i don't remember anything about her. so all i can say is...i hate that nearly cooch-bearing skirt she has on! again, who is styling this shoot? *BARF*

LISA - me LOVE HER long time! ok, too much...but i really like her and i'm casting my vote for her to be the winner right now. she, along with almost everyone else had super drama, came from the foster system, but she didn't seem as pitiful as some of the others. she seems very humble and her skin is gorgeous! (don't let me down, girl!)

MILA - is this season's lisa/jade/melrose but with sugar on top. she's way confident, but not rudely so. but her fake happiness almost made me stab myself in the jugular. nothing special about her to me...

SALEISHA - ok, so she went to tyra's infamous t-zone girls camp at the age of 14 to help build self-esteem and now she thinks she's "the bomb." but tyra's gonna be "harder on her" than everyone else. um, if the camp was supposed to help with self-esteem and confidence so why is tyra gonna go harder on her than anyone else? wouldn't that be the kinda destructive of the confidence she worked so tirelessly to establish? wouldn't that make her want to sob in the confessional more and eat lots of bread like keenyah did and put on 15 pounds while on the show and have to get photoshopped more than everyone and then she'll just succumb to the pressures and do a britney spears and shave all of her hair off and beat the other girls with an umbrella and..............ok, too much

SARAH-don't remember her...thinks she's the plus-size chick...who cares?

VICTORIA- me no likey her oblong-y-ish face. tyra loves it tho so i guess that's all that matters. she looks like she's scared to talk...she'll prolly be the house wuss and maybe she'll have a meltdown and go off on all those skanks later. her look bores me tho, especially that JCpenney top and k-mart jeans. p.s., my granny wants her aerosole sandals back

lastly, we can't leave out ebony. she's so full of herself and she had the most touching story of all. her mama is a crackhead!! AND on top of that, her first boyfriend did her dirty too, and she actually "had feelings for him." GASP! she got on everyone's nerve being overly rude and tasteless with her comments. plus she thinks her walk is perfect. well, i for one think her walk is atrocious...especially with that imaginary stick up her booty. why are her legs always so agape? dang, i forgot about the stick that quickly! anyhoo, she's a hot mess with a barely-there top lip and frizzy hair...but i can't wait to see if she'll deliver when put to the test.

i must say that it is starting to seem like the applicants are piling on the drama and sadness in hopes to jerk tyra's heart strings and let them into the house. i'm sooooooooooooo tired of the down-and-out stories. this one's adopted, that one's homeless, this one's mama is a crackhead, that's one's beeen beaten, that one's a stripper scratching and surviving to get by....i mean, COME ON!!! i don't even know if i believe half of that stuff. and if it's all true, then suck it up!! this show is the chance for you to better yourself, get out of "the life" and become FABULOUS. stop invoking my precious tears for you and your downtrodden, wayward, misguided self. get to walking, stomping, and strutting down that catwalk and put your best face forward. all that extra mess DOES make for interesting tv tho

off-the-wall questions: who was that child who made it to the top 20 named SPONTONAISE? aw lawd! why do people do this? and how do you pronounce it...spon-to-nay-eeese, spon-to-nayz, spon-to-nah-ee-say???? if she had made it to the house, i would have just called her sponny-spon-spon or the spon-meister or maybe spondilocks.

and marvita...why? all that trash talking and rough over-confidence got you nothing but the boot. she was another one who poured on the sadness with her personal story. and when she was rejected, she tried to act like she didn't care or understand why other rejects were crying. girl, please! you know you went and cried into your adidas after the tapes stopped rolling.

all in all, these girls are a hot mess and i can't wait for makeovers! WHO ARE YOU ROOTING FOR?

Top Chef: Still In Mourning, Early in the Morning

2007-09-13T11:26:00.000-04:00

since tre has been dismissed, my heart just really stills mourns for the show. i can't believe that cj, sara or casey have lasted longer than him....nonetheless, onto the post

the chefs were awkened by annoying padma and their quickfire challenge was to make her a delicious breakfast in 20 minutes.

all of the recipes were successful, but hung (yuck!) won the challenge with his steak & eggs and shake. but because padma is a lush, she really chose his because his shake had grand marnier in it. let me just say how much i detest hung. he's so conniving and magically delicious with his midget butt and i love/hate his overconfidence. bleh!

anyhoo, padmonster told the crew that they were headed to new york and you would have thought they won the lottery. what was up with all that excitement? once the chefs landed in newark (NJ), they were informed that they wouldn't even make it into the city until they passed the next challenge....which was preparing plane food for the crew of continental airlines. well, being a person who has tasted many a barftastic plane meal, i was really excited to see what yummy goodness they could come up with for those teeny, tiny foil containers.

well, cj, sara and brian has the worst dishes. cj had some dead fish with overly-powerful mint oil, sara had some cardboard, flavorless couscous and brian had some chewy lobster. sidebar: does/will brian EVER prepare anything that is not seafood? dang! he's as bad as marcel from season 1 who made a friggin' foam for every dish.

hung, casey and dale had the most successful dishes with hung having some yummy fish, casey had veal medallions and dale had some steak. casey won? um, i'm confused. she never seems to cook with confidence and she just seems aloof. when she wins, she's always so overly-surprised cuz it's like she stumbled onto a successful dish rather than her planning ahead for it.

poor cj got the boot but i don't feel for him, maybe he just not built for this show with his freakish tall-i-ness (what is he, like 6'10"?) and his one testicle. hey, at least everyone got to wear those fun-looking itchy hair-nets.

one time for cj...BOO-HOO-HOO

MTV: VMA's: Was Everyone There On Crack?

2007-09-10T13:44:00.000-04:00

NEARER MY GOD TO THEE!!!

the drama that went on up and thru there was of crackish proportions...i mean, between britney spears' half-dead performance and the kid rock/tommy lee smackfest, along with kanye's outburst and jamie foxx's erratic intro...i was just in awe!

and i thought I HAD dropped the ball when i peformed like this....

but girlfriend has me beat...oh yes, i'm talking about that "britney comeback," and if you saw even a smidgen of it, then you know that homeslice needs to throw in the towel. i mean, what WASN'T wrong with that mess of a performance? and what happened to the whole disappearance act she was supposedly planning to do with the mindfreak himself, criss angel? and WHY OH WHY, did she have on those shiny drawls and bra knowing she still has a beer gut? UGH!! all of the promo and build-up they did for her and she could barely lip-synch to that song. not to mention, her weave was about 3.7 shades bleachier than her roots...it looked like my cat got ahold to that head. me thinks she should go hole up with la lohan in her crack hideout. brit buried her shred of a career comeback with that mess....boo-hoo-hoo, gimme NO more!

now, i could barely control my laughter when it was announced that kid rock straight pimp-slapped tommy lee. was it about the tongue swallowing pammie did with tommy? regardless, what i want to know is...what man slaps another man? backhand at that!! HA HA HA HA!!!!!! but then again, kid rock looks like he's overseen a few lady-of-the-evening transactions if you ask me,

so kanye is never gonna do mtv again? well, can i blame him? no, not really. i mean, yes, he's outspoken, annoying, and on his own sack, but i kinda feel where he's coming from....britney has been nowhere, producing a whole bunch of nothing (except for drama) and then in a matter of days she can take top spot to showcase her (used to be) skills. kanye's song truly is #1 in the country, so i DO feel like he would have been better as an opening, especially if he had pulled a "Screamfest" and had lots of surprise guests. then nelly furtado, justin and timbaland closed. ok, WTF!?!?! it seemed like the song went off before they were ready for it to. and that song is old now (even tho i still like it). neither opening nor closing acts were BANGIN' so i can ride with kanye on this one.

jamie foxx was clearly on that oooh-wee when he came out on stage just talking to audience members and dropping those shameless plugs over and over. he never even tried to read from the prompter. i know he was still amped from the fight, but geez, he was straight childish looking with all that face making and loud talking...BOOOOOOOO!!!!

this was no doubt THE WORST VMA's EVER!!! and whoever thought to have separate performance suites should be slapped by kid rock as well....

p.s. what in the fever blister, cootie-ridden, crusty, crackled, diseased heck is going on in this pic?

...i'm off to rehab!

KIMORA: My Life Whore Idol

2007-09-05T21:20:00.000-04:00

"you can be a bit too thin but you can never be too rich."-kimora lee simmons

let me just start by saying i HEART kimora lee simmons for being such a life whore. she makes no apologies for being loud, ostentacious and overly gluttenous. me likey!

this week she traveled to cannes with the pups and kiddies to spread her baby phatness overseas. i'm not gonna get hung up in the details of marketing and all that company mumbo-jumbo...

what i want to focus on is the uber-FABNESS that is james. he's my own little plump fashion fairy and he had a brief moment when he was trying to cast models for baby phat. after everyone agreed that the models pretty much sucked, james took matters into his own hands and tried to show the models how to walk. NEARER MY GOD TO THEE!! not only did he swing that excessively large baby belly like the hottest fall bag, he sashayed around that room on his tippy toes, as if he had on some imaginary D&G stilettos! in actuality, all we saw was his flat, dirty soles all balanced on ten little piggies which, might i add, held up quite well under the pressure of all his junk! it was like he was floating on a cloud and yes, i was mystified.

poor (new assistant) mallory...she just got thrown to the wolves with errands and grunt-work, but i love how no one bats an eye when giving her 100 orders at a time. i just want to hug her cuz she was fluttering around in a ball gown with no shoes on tying up loose ends, ironing dresses, finding tape, building an entertainment center and inventing the wheel all at one time. er, that's so not for me. i wouldn't have lasted a day in her position but we'll see how long she lasts...

later, kimora had a series of press to do and honey worked it like a drag queen in the club on thursday night (wink, shawn!). she was so extra, and i loved it! the only thing i really remember her saying was "anything a man can do, a woman can do better, except for something stupid." and i will definitley say i agree-LOL! shooooooooot...i've smoked my boo, bobby brown under the table on many occasions and why you ask...not because i have a better inhalation game...nope, my lungs aren't bigger and honestly, i never smoked until we hooked up...but i've out-smoked him time and time again and simply put, because i'm a woman! two snaps for me!!

also, i just want to add that when i grow up, i want to be like aoki lee simmons. she is the most smart-mouthed little spitfire i've seen in a loooooooooooong time. from embarrassing hassan the chef to ordering the help around, she's the newest in must-have cute, but outrageous, borderline inappropriate mini moguls. order yours today!

The Hills Are Alive...With More Break-ups

2007-09-05T20:32:00.001-04:00

"you're rolling around with my enemy, which makes you my enemy" - spencer "2-year-old" pratt

you really have to love the sheer idiocy that these kids display. it cracks (LOL) me up that because of one relationship, all types of reactionary break-ups, friend wars and hate -fests ensue...the minute spencer and heidi made it official, heidi and lc fizzled, spencer and lc exploded, jenn and lc crackled, spencer and audrina clashed, and now BRODY AND SPENCER DISINTEGRATED.....let's reenact the final convo...break out the kleenex!

brody: um, honey boo, i've been calling! where've you been?

spencer: no no sugar, who've you been hanging out with? oh yessssss, honey, i heard it thru the grapevine!

brody: listen boo, you still my # 1, lauren's just my homie...don't get salty

spencer: well, honey chile, i do NOT share the stage with anyone, especially her.

brody: why? you're just as hot as she is, c'mon...i love you!

spencer: well, i loved you and now i'm betrayed. you're rolling around with my enemy and that makes you my enemy! boo-hoo-hoo..(sobbing)

brody: ok, like, for real, bros before hos and you know you're my fave! c'mon...whose blonde hair catches and reflects the sun rays like yours? whose baby blue eyes radiate like fresh south american waterfalls? whose scruffy facial hair scratches those hard-to-reach places on my back like yours? no one can replace you!

spencer: UH-UH FISH! you should have thought about that before you started hanging out with miss thang! i have no more words for you (CLICK)

brody: what a b*^$%!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BOO-HOO-HOO

i mean, i can't stand when "adults" feel the need to spread their toxins just because they have an issue with someone. but it sure does make for interesting tv...anyhoo, so heidi took to scraping the bottom of the barrel for a friend and came up with jen. they went to breakfast and heidi could barely keep it together-LOL!

i thought she was gonna cry right into her hash browns! all jen did was ask about the lauren drama and heidi went on a rampage about brody starting the rumors (that lauren blamed heidi for), how she didn't care about their lost friendship and how spencer had to tell brody to kick rocks because of lauren. what was so funny was how she really struggled to be believably nonchalant. she poked, stabbed and rearranged her food about 3 zillion times, her eyes looked like they weighed 20 pounds and her non-existent lips were continuously pursed into a frown...kinda like

eh? uh? oh?

poor baby! denial is a disease!

on the HILARIOUS homefront, audrina and i broke out the high end merchandise this weekend and...WHEW! i think i killed about 359,071 brain cells. but audrina definitely had me beat, and i regret to inform you that our latest adventures have seriously affected the entire left side of her brain...you know, the one that tells you to RUN! when you see wart hogs like justin bobby...especially after he leaves you stranded at a party to go hook up with another chick. audrina is one of those chicks you just want to hit upside her head with a brick. she just NEVER gets it! so you sit back and watch her stumble over herself a million times. at first you feel for her, then she becomes your source of entertainment. wart and audrina went to dinner at some hole in the wall where wart practically called her friends mindless little nosy-bodies. and do you think she spoke up for them? HA! between our crack-fests and justin's natural body aura/aroma/man-smell, she's too fried :-(

ya'll pray for me...i'm off to rehab!

Take Me Higher......

2007-08-30T11:09:00.000-04:00

ok, i'm about to run up on an executive for the bravo channel...ANOTHER FRIGGIN' WEEK OF NO NEW TOP CHEF EPISODE? why in creation are there so many gaps in this season? hopefully, there can be a post next week..............now, i need a smoke break

The Hills Are Alive...With BBQ's & Parental Units

2007-08-30T08:21:00.000-04:00

ok so first, let me just say, me and audrina used to smoke together. that's why she relapsed, lost her mind and decided to start messing around with the wart hog known as justin bobby. our previous smoke sessions MAY also explain the constant sleepy eye look she has. (if she were on ANTM, she'd be the first sent home for having a poor eye game..you know miss tyra can't stand that...)

anyhoo, heidi starts this ep off by having her fake costume ring sized in a real jewelry store and asking fuzzy spencer to come back to her hometown to meet her parents. let me just say that i am not a fan of overly shaggy blondness.

well, he agrees, but at the expense of missing the beach bbq he's been planning with brody and the gang. maybe i didn't do my homework, but i had no idea that heidi was from west bumblefrick...her hometown looked like a scene out of northern exposure. soooooooo not my cup of tea...i felt like i should have been wearing a red and black lumberjack just watching these scenes.

so this is the first time spencer meets the folks and they had NO problem voicing their concerns about their premature engagement and the big breakup with lauren. stepdad even busted heidi out by telling spencer that every time she gets a boyfriend, she loses all of her girlfriends. well, dang! i would have thrown myself to the buffalos if my dad put me on blast like that...but i digress, spencer had to take his opportunity to blame lauren for the breakup saying she wanted heidi to herself. whatever!

meanwhile, back in lalaland, the bbq was so much fun. audrina even brought the wart hog and everyone was having a blast, until wart hog was caught trying to mack some honey dip at the party. as the night tapered on, audrina and lauren got lost in convo and out of nowhere lauren started crying about heidi and their lost friendship. i mean, i guess i would be hurt, but this chick did her so dirty, that i wouldn't be crying over her. so they had a stupid little lovefest:

lauren: heidi's not my freind anymore! boo-hoo-hoo

audrina: well, i love you girl

lauren: i know, it's just hard

audrina: i know girl

lauren: boo-hoo-hoo

audrina: but i love you girl

lauren: thanks girl

then audrina realized she hadn't seen wart hog in a while...and lawd help me! i almost bust a gut when lauren found audrina's motorcycle helmet sitting on the couch. HA HA HA! he straight left this chick (of course to hook up with honey from the bbq), and he had no words, no goodbyes...just threw the deuce and chunked her little rosey helmet. well, one relief is that her dead little eyes are capable of showing some life cuz homegirl cried like a newborn child (no doubt from humiliation), but she suddenly got smart and realized that she could no longer deal with mr. justin bobby. let lovefest number 2 begin:

audrina: he just left me?! boo-hoo-hoo

lauren: i love you girl

audrina: oh he sucks, i can't do it anymore

lauren: i know girl, he sucked

audrina: boo-hoo-hoo

lauren: but i love you girl

audrina: thanks girl

sad girl unite...boo-hoo-hoo...we love you girls!

...i'm off to rehab!

Jumpin' Jehosephat!! We Have A Band!

2007-08-26T22:37:00.000-04:00

DIDDY MADE THE BAND!!! IT'S MEMBERS ARE........

glitter robert a.k.a. bedazzled

musclehead willie

big teeth qwanell

teeny tiny braids brian

AND....

big/little mike

that diddy is an arrogant, shiny mess! but ya gotta love him. brotha can draaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaag things out like no other. during the real finale, we had to sit thru re-caps (as if the reruns weren't in constant rotation), crappy new edition remakes, a Yung Joc performance (i hate that coffee shop song!), AND a special appearance by Wackity Kane...who, fashion-wise, managed to all look like a group , yet no one tapped aubrey on the shoulder to inform her of the hideousness of her new stripperific hair hue. sidebar::what was up with their awkward body language and positioning?

***about diddy's picks: in my mind, i'm trying to personally envision what diddy was envisioning when he selected these gems. it's pretty obvious that glitter robert is the best sounding singer...maybe tied with big/little mike. willie is the eye-candy factor (altho his hairline is under heavy surveillance and in question at this point). but qwanell? hmmm, i can't sum him up as easily. his singing (IMO) was aight. his look has puzzled me from the door. does he have veneers? was he born with such naturally large teeth? he's really young so his appeal has yet to fully ripen, but what i REEEAAAAAALLY want to know is...why is his name spelled Q-W-A-N-E-L-L. usually if you use the "q", you must use the "u" directly after to produce the KWAH sound. and if you choose to use the "w" then you typically use the phonetic spelling shown above, with a "k" directly before. he has managed to combine both, which seems like an English language impossibility. i'm aghast and totally confused. he's definitely a risk-taker, tho.

brian is the other question-mark in my head. he can scring (that's scream + sing), but his look also offsets the team efforts. besides the fact that i detest his micro braids, he's short...really, really short. it almost looks like he's the band's leprechaun mascot. maybe if they shave his head and give him some stacked heels like his royal purpleness, prince...he'll slide into place with the other guys. let's see what diddy molds***

anyhoo, who besides me knew dyshon had no way of making that band? his wackness reached new heights every time he was on screen...from his old man haircut, to his country white sparkle jacket, to his doofy facial expressions and his horrible attempt to look trendy at the finale. note to dyshon: you're like 37 years old. stud bracelets and glitter hats don't work for your age group. only robert can light up like a disco ball. you, my friend, just looked.....weird.

brian h., i started to detest you back when the fake finale aired...when you thought everyone was out to get you. first it was anhk ra, then it was diddy's barbers. you, my friend, got too big for your britches, thinking that you were even important enough for these people to try and "clown," as you said. and the look on your face when diddy peaced you out was-CLASSIC! you just KNEW you were in that band...ha ha ha! sorry boo, but the good news is, you can go grow your beloved hair tentacles back.

deangelo, you were another weird one who never looked like you had a shot of making it. i can't quite put my fingers on it. was it the grill? perhaps your hair tentacles before the makeover? hmmm, maybe your bug eyes? the questionable amount of sugar in your tank? maybe it was a combination of it all...jeremy, boo, you were my sympathy vote, but you sounded a hot, crispy mess during the finale so i think that blew it for you.

nonetheless, diddy finally got around to announcing the band and at first, a single tear gathered in the corner of my eye. he didn't call donnie? you couldn't tell me he wasn't gonna make it....but because diddy is a friggin' genius..he announced that he was giving donnie a SOLO DEAL!! WHOOPEE!!!!!!!! so it actually worked out the best for him cuz he won't have to share the stage, the groupies and most importantly the money. and after diddy made that announcement, in proper tom cruise choreography, he jumped all over the couch like a crazy person.....oh, i love diddy, he's like a mad scientist. i can't WAIT to see if he'll do another season while we watch them make their album (fingers crossed), or to hear the music they'll put out or to see how diddy dumps them once he's tired of babysitting these cats.

....i'm off to rehab!