Take Me Higher......

ok, i'm about to run up on an executive for the bravo channel...ANOTHER FRIGGIN' WEEK OF NO NEW TOP CHEF EPISODE? why in creation are there so many gaps in this season? hopefully, there can be a post next week..............now, i need a smoke break

The Hills Are Alive...With BBQ's & Parental Units

ok so first, let me just say, me and audrina used to smoke together. that's why she relapsed, lost her mind and decided to start messing around with the wart hog known as justin bobby. our previous smoke sessions MAY also explain the constant sleepy eye look she has. (if she were on ANTM, she'd be the first sent home for having a poor eye game..you know miss tyra can't stand that...)







anyhoo, heidi starts this ep off by having her fake costume ring sized in a real jewelry store and asking fuzzy spencer to come back to her hometown to meet her parents. let me just say that i am not a fan of overly shaggy blondness.






well, he agrees, but at the expense of missing the beach bbq he's been planning with brody and the gang. maybe i didn't do my homework, but i had no idea that heidi was from west bumblefrick...her hometown looked like a scene out of northern exposure. soooooooo not my cup of tea...i felt like i should have been wearing a red and black lumberjack just watching these scenes.





so this is the first time spencer meets the folks and they had NO problem voicing their concerns about their premature engagement and the big breakup with lauren. stepdad even busted heidi out by telling spencer that every time she gets a boyfriend, she loses all of her girlfriends. well, dang! i would have thrown myself to the buffalos if my dad put me on blast like that...but i digress, spencer had to take his opportunity to blame lauren for the breakup saying she wanted heidi to herself. whatever!



meanwhile, back in lalaland, the bbq was so much fun. audrina even brought the wart hog and everyone was having a blast, until wart hog was caught trying to mack some honey dip at the party. as the night tapered on, audrina and lauren got lost in convo and out of nowhere lauren started crying about heidi and their lost friendship. i mean, i guess i would be hurt, but this chick did her so dirty, that i wouldn't be crying over her. so they had a stupid little lovefest:


lauren: heidi's not my freind anymore! boo-hoo-hoo

audrina: well, i love you girl

lauren: i know, it's just hard

audrina: i know girl

lauren: boo-hoo-hoo

audrina: but i love you girl

lauren: thanks girl


then audrina realized she hadn't seen wart hog in a while...and lawd help me! i almost bust a gut when lauren found audrina's motorcycle helmet sitting on the couch. HA HA HA! he straight left this chick (of course to hook up with honey from the bbq), and he had no words, no goodbyes...just threw the deuce and chunked her little rosey helmet. well, one relief is that her dead little eyes are capable of showing some life cuz homegirl cried like a newborn child (no doubt from humiliation), but she suddenly got smart and realized that she could no longer deal with mr. justin bobby. let lovefest number 2 begin:






audrina: he just left me?! boo-hoo-hoo

lauren: i love you girl

audrina: oh he sucks, i can't do it anymore

lauren: i know girl, he sucked

audrina: boo-hoo-hoo

lauren: but i love you girl

audrina: thanks girl

sad girl unite...boo-hoo-hoo...we love you girls!

...i'm off to rehab!

Jumpin' Jehosephat!! We Have A Band!

DIDDY MADE THE BAND!!! IT'S MEMBERS ARE........

glitter robert a.k.a. bedazzled

musclehead willie


big teeth qwanell


teeny tiny braids brian

AND....


big/little mike





that diddy is an arrogant, shiny mess! but ya gotta love him. brotha can draaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaag things out like no other. during the real finale, we had to sit thru re-caps (as if the reruns weren't in constant rotation), crappy new edition remakes, a Yung Joc performance (i hate that coffee shop song!), AND a special appearance by Wackity Kane...who, fashion-wise, managed to all look like a group , yet no one tapped aubrey on the shoulder to inform her of the hideousness of her new stripperific hair hue. sidebar::what was up with their awkward body language and positioning?


***about diddy's picks: in my mind, i'm trying to personally envision what diddy was envisioning when he selected these gems. it's pretty obvious that glitter robert is the best sounding singer...maybe tied with big/little mike. willie is the eye-candy factor (altho his hairline is under heavy surveillance and in question at this point). but qwanell? hmmm, i can't sum him up as easily. his singing (IMO) was aight. his look has puzzled me from the door. does he have veneers? was he born with such naturally large teeth? he's really young so his appeal has yet to fully ripen, but what i REEEAAAAAALLY want to know is...why is his name spelled Q-W-A-N-E-L-L. usually if you use the "q", you must use the "u" directly after to produce the KWAH sound. and if you choose to use the "w" then you typically use the phonetic spelling shown above, with a "k" directly before. he has managed to combine both, which seems like an English language impossibility. i'm aghast and totally confused. he's definitely a risk-taker, tho.

brian is the other question-mark in my head. he can scring (that's scream + sing), but his look also offsets the team efforts. besides the fact that i detest his micro braids, he's short...really, really short. it almost looks like he's the band's leprechaun mascot. maybe if they shave his head and give him some stacked heels like his royal purpleness, prince...he'll slide into place with the other guys. let's see what diddy molds***

anyhoo, who besides me knew dyshon had no way of making that band? his wackness reached new heights every time he was on screen...from his old man haircut, to his country white sparkle jacket, to his doofy facial expressions and his horrible attempt to look trendy at the finale. note to dyshon: you're like 37 years old. stud bracelets and glitter hats don't work for your age group. only robert can light up like a disco ball. you, my friend, just looked.....weird.

brian h., i started to detest you back when the fake finale aired...when you thought everyone was out to get you. first it was anhk ra, then it was diddy's barbers. you, my friend, got too big for your britches, thinking that you were even important enough for these people to try and "clown," as you said. and the look on your face when diddy peaced you out was-CLASSIC! you just KNEW you were in that band...ha ha ha! sorry boo, but the good news is, you can go grow your beloved hair tentacles back.




deangelo, you were another weird one who never looked like you had a shot of making it. i can't quite put my fingers on it. was it the grill? perhaps your hair tentacles before the makeover? hmmm, maybe your bug eyes? the questionable amount of sugar in your tank? maybe it was a combination of it all...jeremy, boo, you were my sympathy vote, but you sounded a hot, crispy mess during the finale so i think that blew it for you.





nonetheless, diddy finally got around to announcing the band and at first, a single tear gathered in the corner of my eye. he didn't call donnie? you couldn't tell me he wasn't gonna make it....but because diddy is a friggin' genius..he announced that he was giving donnie a SOLO DEAL!! WHOOPEE!!!!!!!! so it actually worked out the best for him cuz he won't have to share the stage, the groupies and most importantly the money. and after diddy made that announcement, in proper tom cruise choreography, he jumped all over the couch like a crazy person.....oh, i love diddy, he's like a mad scientist. i can't WAIT to see if he'll do another season while we watch them make their album (fingers crossed), or to hear the music they'll put out or to see how diddy dumps them once he's tired of babysitting these cats.


....i'm off to rehab!