The Salt-N-Pepa Show: "Lawd, Where's my Scalpel?"

i just have to say that i have just sampled my newest crack...THE SALT-N-PEPA SHOW. fly me to the moon!

let's get straight to it...salt has moved on, grown up and has her lovely christian family and life tucked away in a very warm and fuzzy little home on long island. pepa is still loud, boisterous, chasing a dream & trying to make a dollar outta fifteen cents. i love them BOTH! well, shaq is throwing some party and requests to have them perform and they met up to discuss the possibility. it went something like this...

SALT: i dunno, i'm over this

PEPA: well, i want to. you left me hanging years ago. YOU SUCK DONKEY BALLS!

SALT: i just wanna do what i wanna do, not what you wanna do or anybody else wants to do, just me and what i wanna do-DO-DOOOOOOOO!

PEPA: you owe me cuz you ruined erry'thang!

SALT: boo-hoo-hoo, i was all barfy, sticking my finger down my throat, like depressed and stuff and i was going insane in my membrane ('member that song, hee hee!)

PEPA: get over it, please! i'll wash your car, i'll be your best friend, i'll braid your hair, i'll buy you a new nose like the one i'm gonna get

SALT: ok, lemme think (mumbles: i hate you)

PEPA: (mumbles, i hate you more!)

so pepa goes out with her (rowdy) friend circle and totally trashes salt and her moral outlook. meanwhile salt is lighting candles, humming and crying to her sister circle about the decision she's facing. well, sister circle encouraged her to do it in a positive way so she called pep and the convo went kinda like this........

SALT: boo-hoo-boo, ok so i was thinking...

PEPA: uh-huh

SALT: and i think i can push it real good, i mean, i can do it for the lawd

PEPA: betta had, b*tch! SIKE, nah, but for real, you betta had...PEACE!!!

SALT: WAIT!!! i'm uncomfortable so can you go easy with me?

PEPA: um yeah, i'll try to make you more comfortable. you can cry on my shoulder...i'll hold your hand...i'll be the wind beneath your wings

SALT: um, are you speaking lesbian to me? i told you, i'm not down AND STOP DREAMING ABOUT STICKING YOUR FINGER IN MY CLEAVAGE!!

PEPA: you wish! (thinking...dang! i sure was)

so they met up to discuss some of the details about the upcoming performance like salt's need to change some lines. pep agrees and off to rehearsal they go! i almost dropped my coke bowl when i saw pepa giving an onlooker faux-fellatio as she rapped "whatta man." THAT MESS WAS HILARIOUS!! of course, salt had to pull her aside and check her. but pepa's excuse was the funniest part. she was like "i'm not in his crotch! i start at his KNEE, then i work my way up (to his crotch)." LOL

salt prolly tossed and turned all night cuz she met pepa in the park to re-discuss the previous incident. what cracked me up was how salt was just over talking and basically screaming on pepa. then pepa sat there like a lil' kid who just agreed with everything. nonetheless, shaq cancelled so salt suggested they rap at her church..."WHOOPEE!" was pepa's reply (ok, not really, but still)

showtime! pepa shows up at the church with my personal fave, see thru nipple bearing shirts and hooker boots. salt, OF COURSE, checked her again and they went on the perform "whatta man-the gospel version." but pepa had to be pepa, she carressed her body and tried to dip it to the floor/drop it like it's hot for jesus, but salt's all-seeing eye caught it and snatch her bootay right up! LOL afterward, they kissed and hugged backstage and the ep ended with salt apologizing for walking out on pep the way she did back in the day.

all in all, i love this show! it's gonna be jam-packed with hilarity and foolishness. what i noticed was salt is very strong mouthed! she will scream on you in a second, almost like you're her kid. and pepa can be all loud and crazy, but is easily punked. i love how they play the different music for the two...like when salt is on, her background music is all peaceful and mild. and when pepa is on, hers is like a thunderclap, just vicious and rough. the editors are making this show look a hot, hateful mess and i LOVES IT!!!

but WHAT I REALLY WANT TO KNOW IS WHO THE UNLICENSED HECK JACKED UP PEPA'S NOSE?!?!?! and what was so funny was when the show was airing...they kept showing her with the new nose during promos and commercials but she has the old nose on the show. it was spooky....if i could, i'd pay for her to RE-chop that thang cuz it's not working for me. what's wrong with it? i can't quite put my finger on it but something just ain't right. oh, i think it's the nostrils. they look like she's struggling to breathe. they're waaaaaaaaaay too small. lawd, give her air!

cuz, um...she's rick james, b*tch!

tune in folks!

And the Beat Don't Stop...........

check baby, check baby, one two, three, four
check baby, check baby, one two, three
check baby, check baby, one, two
check baby, check baby, one

all i wanna do is zooma zoom zoom zoom and a boom boom.............


ok, so i'm currently watching VH-1's Hip Hop Honors right now and i am on the floor.....*updates to come*

what the FUG!?!? ok, the show was on POINT...until neyo came out during the new jack swing/teddy riley tribute wearing a glittery jacket singing "remember the time". he sounded nervous and ok, i give him that, cuz that's a classic. but who in the bleached-blonde, crispy voiced, bad soprano heck told keyshia cole to come out and sing it with him? wearing two hefty cinch sacks for pants no less? she could not find the proper key to sing in...EVER! when she first realized she sounded a fright, she stopped singing and said a tired "what's up ya'll?" to the audience, as if to pause like she was just playing. but started howling again and after a while she just gave up and did a tired be-bop dance. i mean, did they have rehearsal? it straight up looked like she was back stage feeling it and was like "aw snap, that's my jam...lemme go out there" and realized that was NOT her jam, at least not her jam to be singing! UGH! my cat sounds better than that when she's getting a bath....

and who in the burnt hair grease heck told corn-chip smelling t-pain to sing ANYTHING?? let alone a classic like "i want her" by guy....oh the tragedy! now i see why he always uses the synthesizers...i really, i mean, REALLY can't sing. can't even hold a note. THEN cripsy tried to dance while scringing (screaming + singing)...hold my mule, lawd, just hold my mule! and he scared me with his overall look...those shades make him look like the boogey-man...BLEH!!

then teddy riley (looking a tad too thin and wispy for my liking) came out singing "no diggity." i mean, he gets a pass cuz his songs were the hotness...but his voice was just a'cracklin' too!! he never was the singer-singer, but geez...he was killing me softly with the crackle. and that daggone chauncy was loving his minutes on stage something serious.

i'm concerned, teddy...

if you have 6 minutes to waste....(bad audio, primarily for visual)



sidebar::::tracey morgan is a FOOL! the skit of him driving the cabs...PRICELESS!!

who in the i-can't-think-of-anyone-else heck chose nick cannon to perform? i mean, stop playin! just stop it right now! during the whodini tribute, this nut came out with his dooky chain and rapped like he was broke and the rent was due tomorrow. i know he really wants to be rapper...remember this?

but stop it, nick. please....just stop

sidebar::::why has the lead rapper from whodini STILL not gotten his bugs bunny teeth fixed? maybe they give him personality...shoot, i admit, that was the first thing i was checking for when he hit the screen...aw, forget it. celebs/pseudo-celebs love them some raggedy teefus "the teeth come out niiiiiiiiiiight"

sidebar::::how cute was nelly doing the "wop"?

sidebar::::altho jermaine dupri started out dancing in rap videos, he couldn't get it poppin' to save his life! millions of dollars and poking janet jackson on the regular will do that to ya! he could barely break dance in his cute little leather sweater. shoot, with that big belly he was sportin, he could barely get up off the floor from TRYING to break-LOLOL!


sidebar::::how stupid fresh was it that harvey keitel introduced snoop dogg?

sidebar::::aw, my boo-boo, phife dawg...that diabetes is a mess. i was worried that you were sniffing the white bandit (before i knew what it was that had you looking like that) feel better, boo boo. p.s. why was dude from zulu nation up there with them? p.p.s. thank you ali shaheed for getting YOUR buckey beaver teefus fixed. i remember when you were rocking the braces. loves it!

um, lupe fiasco ande pharrell, DOUBLE FUG to you for screwing up/switching up the words to "electric relaxation", and busta...all that hollerin'. stop it! if i didn't know the words to "scenario" i would have thought you were having a tourette syndrome scream attack. not one word you said was audible. loved the pink and green paisley coat tho!




have you ever been to a club carrying $76,000 in single dollar bills? did foxy brown ever beat you down with a cell phone? you know what free cheese is? you ever been given a diamond-encrusted challis by bishop majic don juan? you ever get lil' kim pregnant? no, then you're not hip-hop!!