Dear Keyshia:

ok, so keyshia,

honey-boo...i can't, just can't take it anymore. your show is the rawest ish on tv right now. and i simply can't take it anymore. i thought the biggest obstacle was gonna be frankie-your "mom." but clearly, i was mistaken. between the therapy sessions, paternity tests, quests to reunite with miscellaneous siblings, your sister's current pregnancy and the utterly confusing wig game that frankie is rocking...i can't do it. at first i was feeling bad, like REALLY bad for you. then i felt like you were brave for putting your ish out there like that...oh, but now, i feel like this wasn't a good look.

yeah, many fams have similar drama. some may have worse. but to broadcast it on national television is just making the hairs on the back of neck stand at attention-and not in the good way. so let's just talk about the latest episode:

issue # 1, sister neffe calls and schedules to terminate her pregnancy. (this is like her third or fourth pregnancy i think). she's scared cuz she's alone and is struggling to put her life back together. i am not judging her, but this ish is really heavy. i didn't want to know that she's having an abortion. and for future reference, let's stop gettin our swerve on all willy nilly if we are not equipped to handle the possible consequences.

issue # 2, the paternity tests results came back from some dude who claimed to be your father. what tripped me out was how during the episode when he was being tested, frankie was kinda chill. she really looked like she couldn't remember if she got down with dude or not. then when the test came back negative, she was all billy bad-azz screaming on him calling him all kinds of liars. well, honey-boo, obviously, there was the question of his paternity so let's not run off at the mouth after the answer was provided.

next up, this "family reunion"...er, whose idea was this? i mean, family is great and all, but i am a FIRM believer in the fact that just because you may technically be blood-related to me, you do NOT necessarily need to be an instrumental figure in my life if you are lacking, shall we say, some "act-right." so the other miscellaneous cubs that frankie birthed came together along with your adopted family. but the whole shebang was kicked off by frankie acting a monkey-doodle fool on the bus, refusing to put her lovely new teeth in, trying to smoke on the bus, giving people the finger and talking about who could whoop her or not. like for real...i'm tired of her. i feel like perhaps she was a little secret you could have kept to yourself. i'm embarrassed. for you. for women. for mothers. and of course, for her.

then you have sibling # 6 or 7 who thought frankie was cool for trying to be hip and up to date with slang. she terrorized this daughter's kid, chased him around, made him cry, hollered in his face to "shut up" and proclaimed to be the "head b*&^h" around there. where my confusion comes in is how she really seems to struggle with the fact that you have a "family" with sense that raised you and all...yet she detests them like a sickness and actually expects her "children" to respect her as their mother. ok, like for real, this isn't funny anymore.

then you have neffe who starts a whole big deal at the table over who was sitting where. she didn't want sibling # 5 sitting by your adopted family, she wanted all the miscellaneous cubs to be seated together. well, lawd help me, but all this screaming, shouting , table beating, finger wagging and spit-slinging ensued. IN A PUBLIC RESTAURANT NO LESS! and after frankie acted monkey-doodle fool # 2, she politely sat down and sipped a big ol' martini. she blames everyone, especially the cole family, for turning you against her. clearly, it couldn't have been the crack addiction, the drinking, the promiscuity, the loud, trash mouth, the continuous public embarrassments, the paternity issues...no dear, it's those evil coles.

i killed about 2,387 brain cells watching this. i'm surprised you even have a voice to sing after actually being attached to this. but i abhor you, please stop. in your own words, "if they don't love you the way they should, then let it go."


i'm really trying to understand why BET is continuing to broadcast shows that are so depressing or degrading. at first, this stuff was funny, but it has surpassed funny and entered INSANITY! i mean, this is your life...and it is what it is, but this show is a train wreck and i am drained from watching it. i see now why you have been showing up to interviews and such all stankified. i think i would be stank too if i had all this on my plate. but my dear, you need to find a way to channel all of this negativity somewhere else...personally, it won't EVER be channeled into my living room again. i wish ya'll well.

oh, and i am dying to know the science behind your sister's names...NEFFETERIA and ELITE. was neffe conceived in a cafeteria? was your mom and her daddy complaining about having "nuffin" to eat in said cafeteria and hey, nuffin's in this cafeteria to eat, nuffin, cafeteria, nuffineria, cafenuffin...let's combine that ish into neffeteria!!! yeah..that's hot! and elite, um, i can't even think about a back story for that one...

bye boo!

HAPPY FIRST BIRTHDAY!!!!!

ok, so ya'll have prolly been wondering where i've been and what has had me so preoccupied....well, my beautiful baby has turned ONE YEAR OLD!!!! she just had her fabulous party and we celebrated from saturday to tuesday (the actual birthdate). WHEW!!!! momma is exhausted, but it was all worth it for my baby girl. so HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU, PRINCESS!!!!!












yes, that was her cake!

now back to my regularly scheduled craziness.......

OK, Ya'll Got It Twisted!!!

ok, so i haven't posted in a hot minute, but this right here got a crackie HEATED!!!

Anonymous said...

retarded, fake , whore , fugly c** dripping p**** eating b**** that is who kimora is.....

November 14, 2007 1:42 PM

Anonymous said...

mean, a bitch from hell and tacky, tacky ,tacky
yes she has money but she will always look like a cheap filthy WHORE!!!

anonymous cowards get absolutely NO love and NO respect on this here blog. if you have something to say, you're gonna have to have some type of identity here, and you STILL might get deleted. i will not allow malicious comments to be posted about other commenters OR the subjects of my blog. jokes are one thing, observations and opinion is another. but evil, vulgar and vicious behavior is something totally different. i mean, aren't we adults here?

SO GET A LIFE OR GET SOME NERVES, but most importantly, have some respect. what we do here is all in fun, but vicious statements and attacks will NOT be tolerated. MAMA DON'T PLAY THAT! so take your cowardly lion @zz on somewhere else......

Tagged, I've Been...

FIRST, let me say that i know i have been soooooo lax in my post schedule....BUT my computer is from hell and is a habitual crack smoker as well, so this heifer hasn't been the most dependable thing as of late. also, i have been suuuuuper busy planning my baby's 1st birthday extravaganza. yes, it will be an EXTRAVAGANZA, nuff said


so my lovely cousin ELLE has tagged me and i shall do my part here...

A). Link to the person that tagged you and post the rules on your blog...
B). Share 7 random and/or weird facts about yourself...
C). Tag 7 random people at the end of your post and include links to their blogs...
D). Let each person know that they've been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.


THE CRACKTASTIC ANSWERS:

1. i like to bite my toenails


2. i have a wig named "hot ho stroll"

3. i have a gold crown on my third right molar...i used to want a gold cap in the front with a dollar sign in it, but where i used to live, like, er'body had one, so i didn't feel original



4. i like to put chili powder on EVERYTHING!




5. my middle name is (don't laugh!) LaRaybia (reminds you of labia, doesn't it)

6. i LOVE to wear legwarmers in the summer

7. i once stood on a corner wearing a bathing suit and a sign that read "THE END IS NEAR" and threw condoms at cars for 1 hour (trying to get them in the windows that were rolled down)




ok, lemme stop....

THE FOR REAL ANSWERS:

1. i have ocd

2. i laugh at people when they fall, no matter how old, young, hurt they are (i'm terrible, i know)
3. i attract really insecure people


4. i was a closet ciggie smoker in college (complete with three hidden cover-up stashes hidden in my room, my car and my purse to hide the scent, which was hand sanitizer, aerosol spray, listerine, toothbrush and toothpaste-travel size of course, gum, mints, body spray and lip gloss)
5. i can cook really well, but am often to lazy to actually do it

6. i am mesmerized by big boi from outkast's pretty veneers

7. i still want to be a supermodel, even tho i'm fat & old


i'm not taggin anyone cuz i don't really have anyone to tag that hasn't done this already, so if you stumble upon this and want to tag yourself via ME, hey...do your thang!

P.S. my regularly scheduled posts will resume super soon..........

BET is on POINT!!!!

boy, how do i love BET? let me count the ways...they are really trying to make a comeback! i loves me some them. ok, lemme stop.....but i accidentally caught the series premiere of their new show College Hill: Interns. PRAISE THE LAWD AND PASS THE PEAS!!! i'm in love!

basically there is a group of ten college age folks who go to chicago to intern and be guided by dr. ian smith (celebrity fit club & 50-Million Pound Challenge).

so of course, last night was the intro episode where we got to meet this "interesting" group of chill'ens.

so this is marc. he just graduated from college and had a 4 year basketball scholarship. he's interested in all things sports and seems like he'll be the playboy of the group.

enter jenna. aw lawd! i TOTALLY know someone like her. she's cute and smart, graduated from college cum laude. has a boyfriend, yet openly flirts with marc once she sits down with him. but the biggest turnoff about her is her MOUTH! she so L-O-U-D!!! i hate that. the more she spoke, they more she revealed that she's the loud one who wants ALL of the attention, wants all the boys to be in love with her, all the girls to envy her, all people on general to be impressed with her and her "smarts" and she worked my nerve from start to finish!

then comes lonnie. he initially looks like he could play the human version of theodore from alvin and the chipmunks cuz his cheeks are like...

anyhoo, i forgot his stats, but of course, jenna was right at home in her marc and lonnie sandwich, cuz you know they both love her...BLEH!

enter tationna. she's from bx, baby! and instantly i got the vibe that she considered herslef to be kinda princess-ish. you ever met someone who thought they were a fashionista, but their stuff SCREAMED bargain basement? well, there you have it.

help me lawd, and hold my mule! here's spencer. a preacher's kid from north ca'lina. (that's how some of them say it for real!) anyhoo, this brotha walked in wearing a blue suit. well you ask, what's wrong with that? well, it wasn't navy blue, wasn't black-blue...it was ROYAL BLUE, PIMP DADDY BLUE, JHERI CURL PREACHER BLUE, M&M CANDY BLUE!! ARRRRRRRGH!!!!!!!! my eyes bled from the sight. this dude is country, i mean, CUNTRY, CUNTREY! of course, the others took note of the faux pas and were utterly confused by it. but because i lived in the south for a while, i understand that some southerners have a different "style" about them. colors and patterns are their friends. and not regular colors and patterns, but really LOUD and offensive ones. kinda like.....

except he didn't have the hat. vomit stage left<<<<<<<<<

here's kathy. initially, i loved her style and her hair, until i saw her b-boy designs cut into her hair style. that totally ruined it for me. it just doesn't look professional. i mean, it was like, on some kanye west ziggy-zag tip. but her outfit was still banging. oh, and yes, she loves "p**sy." YES FOLKS, she's a lesbian and she wears too much make up so when the camera is close on her face, she looks like a BRATZ doll.

kasheef...what can i say? he's like a drunken michael bivins. he kinda looks like him, and his vioce...OMG! sounds just like him, except he speaks very slow and slurry, like he's drunk.* he's short like him too!

ivy is like the mama of the group. she's very subdued, pretty quiet and like the shrinking violet. i can see that she'll prolly be the hard worker who will end up doing extra for the slackers in the house.

*************************************************

so after everyone introduced themselves, they moved into the house which was quite lovely. they had a team building challange and relay race with everyone divided into two teams. the winning team won gift cards andthe only funny part was that tationna was on the losing team and she kept whining about how she actually broke a "sweat" and didn't even win anything. LOL!

so later on, everyone decided to go out bowling and to the club. let the bootay hunching begin. I SO HATE THAT CRAP! whatever happened to real dancing. women, grinding your bootay into a man's ween-doggy dog does not a dance make! men, trying to drill your member into the back of a young lady's skirt is not hot...UGH! anyhoo, everyone enjoyed themselves and the love fest ensued.

well, all shows start like that. (remember the last college hill? HA!) the drama shall begin shortly and a small tidbit began when all of the dudes decided to go out without the ladies and get their "stunna" on. of course with those cameras on, the hoochies were lined up and these guys were poppin bttles and everything. *enter kasheef! someone was waaaaaaaaay too happy to be on tv and have some free champagne cuz he guzzled down a whole bottle by himself and was drunk out of his mind. the other guys had to literally carry him into the house. that's so sexy! and there he lay, near the procelain throne all night....and everyone has a meeting with dr. ian the next morning.....................

we'll see how things pan out next week. i'm sure B(ootay) E(ntertainment) T(elevision) will re-run it a zillion times, so check it out!

OH! i almost forgot about these two.......

maurice...he's the cutie of the house if you ask me. but he has a lot of tattoos on his arms and i just wish these kids would stop tatting themselves up all over the place. i mean, to the degree that wearing a simple polo shirt will reveal your name, your whole family tree and whatever else you chose to have doodled all up and down your person. think about the career you even desire to have one day. image is everything peoples!

this is letia. she literally bounces out of the car and into the room wearing a tank top and mini jean skirt. she's the one who's currently "in love" and has ginormous watermelon boobs. how inappropriate did she look going into a professional meeting room with excess boobage spilling onto the table? can we say..LOTS!?! hey, but she does wish they were smaller...way to downplay your melons, lay them on your resume when meeting dr. ian while wearing spaghetti straps!

LOVE THIS HOT MESS OF A SHOW!!! WHOOPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Computer Wackosity

ok, so i'm like TRYING to post and my internet connection is on some serious BLEH! i'm literally borrowing someone else's computer just to type this, but hopefully i'll be back up and running cuz i have some stuff just a'brewin' in this ignant little mind....it's itching to get out!

YOWZA!

Mario & His Mom

***let me say, that while i refer to addiction in a playful manner, and yes, i crack jokes, this really isn't funny when it's as real as it was on this show. so i'm gonna attempt to be serious for a spell...and even tho this women seriously suffers/suffered from an addiction to heroin, i'm gonna give my honest opinion on what i viewed***

so i am halfway done watching the mario special about his momma and her habit. i'll be back when it's done, but let me say that as of right now...i'm disgusted with what i'm seeing.

ok, so i've returned. let me start by saying i am HEART BROKEN for mario. it is a SHAME that he had to experience such foolishness. yes, i said foolishness. yeah, yeah, yeah...addiction is a disease, but there's something i just can't get with. forget the fact that you are supposed to be grown. forget the fact that you are wasting money. forget the fact that your personal life is prolly a mess. and your health? yeah right. forget that too. but when you HAVE A CHILD/CHILDREN....oh, that's some other stuff.

no, i'm not really an addict, but maybe i'm not because i can not even fathom having an object having control of life. a substance ruining the people i love cuz i'm too selfish to stop. i cannot even wrap my mind around such a thing. ok, so some people get caught up. i'll give her that. but i have to say, if you ever find yourself caught up, how can you not look at that inncoent life that never asked to be here (that you are simultaneously ruining) and find it within yourself to overcome? and what was so freaky to me was, MARIO LOOKS JUST LIKE HER!! my kid looks just like me as well. i can't even imagine looking in that face and still just do me. this guy wrote a song for her and her shameful ways, pleading for his "mother" to stop. he even called the show 'intervention' to try to help her.

now let's revisit that later...but i'm gonna skip over to something i noticed on the show and have observed in real life. i am extremely uneasy about seeing how some single mothers shift a lot of their crap onto their sons in the absence of a spouse. BEFORE YA'LL CHOP MY HEAD OFF....continue reading. i am by no means saying that this is always the case, but it was on this show and i personally have seen it in life. the "mothers"....instead of teaching them, helping them spread their wings, they are sucking their lives out of them. dragging them down with their mess. leaning waaaaaaaaaaay too hard for them to fix this, save that, help this, pay that, do this, etc. I HATE THAT!! as a parent, you have the responsibility to be the rock for your child, not reverse. you are supposed to be the guiding light, the teacher, the EXAMPLE! and even worse, a mother, A MOTHER?!?! how can you carry a child, birth it into the world, and rob them of their joy? rob them of the best possible upbringing? rob them of success (emotional or financial) cuz you want what you want? i'm not a man so i don't know what that could be like to walk out on your fam, but a woman? to choose something else over the miracle that you AND ONLY YOU could even bring to this earth? call me crazy, but i feel like whatever wild, crazy, overly-selfish things i haven't accomplished by now...OH WELL! i have a kid now so IT'S NOT ABOUT ME!

but here we have a son, struggling to do his job, all the while with his cracked out mother dragging him down. he was unfocused. he was hurt, he was tired, he was abandoned....AND THIS CHICK HAD THE NERVE TO TRY AND FORCE HER WAY INTO HIS LIFE/CAREER BY TRYING TO BE HIS MANAGER!!!!!!!!! not only did she not know ONE thing about managing a professional singing career, she's A DAILY HEROIN USER!

i was sick to my stomach watching this. but what is even more damaging is the effects that this "leaning" behavior has on the sons. when they do grow up, they may find it hard to cut the trifling mothers from the apron strings. they may always want to linger around, checking on her. they may always feel the need to be "captain save-a-..." because she'll always be in the middle of some ish and with no man to help her shoulder the load, who do you think she'll be looking at first? this is crippling to any other relationship he ever tries to have. children are not built to carry such burdens that "ADULT" people choose to acquire for themselves, wheter it be drugs, or whatever. when such heavy issues are forced upon them at a young and inappropriate age, it stunts their progress because they have to focus on crap instead of being children and growing into their own life. and poor mario....he's not even a "regular joe." he's 21, successful and SHOULD have been living the best times of life just growing into a man, but he's been weighed down by her mess.

anyhoo, they do the intervention and she agrees to go to rehab (again). but before she leaves, she must get high again, regardless of the fact that she uses a $50 supply per day and she had a $100 supply the day before. but it gets better...she asks mario for the $50 to go buy with. HE GIVES IT TO HER. then the cameras follow her. as if that wasn't enough....she comes back and

prepares the stuff right in front of him. HE WATCHED HER GET HIGH AND EXHIBIT THAT BEHAVIOR RIGHT THERE...and he said it best "to see that, it affects me..."

all i have to say is 1) you NEVER know what someone is dealing with in their personal life, 2) life is too short to be so selfish, 3) GOD bless mario for being so strong and brave to share such a tragic story with us, and 4) i hope that woman realizes how lucky she is to have someone even willing to address the madness with her. otherwise...

...i'm just speechless

The Salt-N-Pepa Show: "Lawd, Where's my Scalpel?"

i just have to say that i have just sampled my newest crack...THE SALT-N-PEPA SHOW. fly me to the moon!

let's get straight to it...salt has moved on, grown up and has her lovely christian family and life tucked away in a very warm and fuzzy little home on long island. pepa is still loud, boisterous, chasing a dream & trying to make a dollar outta fifteen cents. i love them BOTH! well, shaq is throwing some party and requests to have them perform and they met up to discuss the possibility. it went something like this...

SALT: i dunno, i'm over this

PEPA: well, i want to. you left me hanging years ago. YOU SUCK DONKEY BALLS!

SALT: i just wanna do what i wanna do, not what you wanna do or anybody else wants to do, just me and what i wanna do-DO-DOOOOOOOO!

PEPA: you owe me cuz you ruined erry'thang!

SALT: boo-hoo-hoo, i was all barfy, sticking my finger down my throat, like depressed and stuff and i was going insane in my membrane ('member that song, hee hee!)

PEPA: get over it, please! i'll wash your car, i'll be your best friend, i'll braid your hair, i'll buy you a new nose like the one i'm gonna get

SALT: ok, lemme think (mumbles: i hate you)

PEPA: (mumbles, i hate you more!)

so pepa goes out with her (rowdy) friend circle and totally trashes salt and her moral outlook. meanwhile salt is lighting candles, humming and crying to her sister circle about the decision she's facing. well, sister circle encouraged her to do it in a positive way so she called pep and the convo went kinda like this........

SALT: boo-hoo-boo, ok so i was thinking...

PEPA: uh-huh

SALT: and i think i can push it real good, i mean, i can do it for the lawd

PEPA: betta had, b*tch! SIKE, nah, but for real, you betta had...PEACE!!!

SALT: WAIT!!! i'm uncomfortable so can you go easy with me?

PEPA: um yeah, i'll try to make you more comfortable. you can cry on my shoulder...i'll hold your hand...i'll be the wind beneath your wings

SALT: um, are you speaking lesbian to me? i told you, i'm not down AND STOP DREAMING ABOUT STICKING YOUR FINGER IN MY CLEAVAGE!!

PEPA: you wish! (thinking...dang! i sure was)

so they met up to discuss some of the details about the upcoming performance like salt's need to change some lines. pep agrees and off to rehearsal they go! i almost dropped my coke bowl when i saw pepa giving an onlooker faux-fellatio as she rapped "whatta man." THAT MESS WAS HILARIOUS!! of course, salt had to pull her aside and check her. but pepa's excuse was the funniest part. she was like "i'm not in his crotch! i start at his KNEE, then i work my way up (to his crotch)." LOL

salt prolly tossed and turned all night cuz she met pepa in the park to re-discuss the previous incident. what cracked me up was how salt was just over talking and basically screaming on pepa. then pepa sat there like a lil' kid who just agreed with everything. nonetheless, shaq cancelled so salt suggested they rap at her church..."WHOOPEE!" was pepa's reply (ok, not really, but still)

showtime! pepa shows up at the church with my personal fave, see thru nipple bearing shirts and hooker boots. salt, OF COURSE, checked her again and they went on the perform "whatta man-the gospel version." but pepa had to be pepa, she carressed her body and tried to dip it to the floor/drop it like it's hot for jesus, but salt's all-seeing eye caught it and snatch her bootay right up! LOL afterward, they kissed and hugged backstage and the ep ended with salt apologizing for walking out on pep the way she did back in the day.

all in all, i love this show! it's gonna be jam-packed with hilarity and foolishness. what i noticed was salt is very strong mouthed! she will scream on you in a second, almost like you're her kid. and pepa can be all loud and crazy, but is easily punked. i love how they play the different music for the two...like when salt is on, her background music is all peaceful and mild. and when pepa is on, hers is like a thunderclap, just vicious and rough. the editors are making this show look a hot, hateful mess and i LOVES IT!!!

but WHAT I REALLY WANT TO KNOW IS WHO THE UNLICENSED HECK JACKED UP PEPA'S NOSE?!?!?! and what was so funny was when the show was airing...they kept showing her with the new nose during promos and commercials but she has the old nose on the show. it was spooky....if i could, i'd pay for her to RE-chop that thang cuz it's not working for me. what's wrong with it? i can't quite put my finger on it but something just ain't right. oh, i think it's the nostrils. they look like she's struggling to breathe. they're waaaaaaaaaay too small. lawd, give her air!

cuz, um...she's rick james, b*tch!

tune in folks!

Top Chef: Young, Dumb & Full of Hung...

ok, ok...you're right! i have shucked, jived, tossed and turned and i really was trying to just block the finale of top chef out of my mind. i mean, it was no surprise that hung won...but i really just felt so listless afterward. plus, my heart is still laden with anguish and despair because of tre (le sigh)

love don't live here anymore.....

but for real, this season's finale was rather interesting. the fact that dale sashayed his way into the top three after numerous disasters that he called "meals" had my stomach in knots. casey always bored me to tears and hung was a no brainer. nonetheless, during the finale, typically kicked off chefs come back to help the remaining chefs. most times, there are a few and some get chosen while the others get booted yet again (sniggle). well, this time casey, hung and dale were given sous chefs that are famous in the cheftastic world...rocco dispirito, michelle bernstein and todd english. they could barely contain themselves, but while they were pulsating in their chef pants, a twist was thrown in, they had to add a dish to their already established 3-course meal.

enter twist # 2, booted off contestants were, in fact, coming back to help...but there's only three of them meaning that the chefs couldn't pick and choose. everyone would get someone whether they liked them or not...and my personal lover-lover howie was one of them. of course, dale started foaming at the mouth and panicking like a little poodle. casey was, um...boring. hung was hung...fast and overconfident.

long story short, casey pretty much gave up and her dishes sucked. dale was hot and cold with some good and some bad dishes. hung delivered except for when it came to his added dish and he made a molten chocolate cake....yeah, a molten chocolate cake like the one you can get at chili's or applebee's. hmph.

moving on, when it came time for the judges to chit chat with the contestants, casey should have just laid down on the floor and taken a nap. that's how much she looked like she didn't want to be there. she made excuse after excuse and gave howie the credit for the dish the judges liked best.

all in all, hung won....yum yum dim sum

all i want to know is if gail is preggers because if not, then she needs a girdle on. and maybe a fake padded booty-LOL!

and WHAT WACKO went and got a top chef 3 tattoo? nevermind, i don't even want to know...