Smoking Schedule

ok, so i'm instituting a schedule for my posting so er'body can KNOW FOR SURE when i've entered the building............

WEDNESDAY SHOWS (including ANTM and top chef) will be posted on MONDAYS

MONDAY SHOWS (including The Hills) will be posted on THURSDAYS

THURSDAY SHOWS (including Tim Gunn) will be posted on TUESDAYS and,

randoms will be posted, er, randomly

thank you for your patronage! now...ratty wigs and big fuzzy squirrel coat hugs for all!!!!!!!!!!

Top Chef: What in the Dale is Going On?

ok, so like, someone is reeeeeeeeeally trying to get me to thrust a rusty nail into my throat. why in the cropped pants, rubber shoe, so-2-years-ago mohawk heck is DALE still on this show? we'll return to this question in a bit....

so this ep found the chefs actually in the city (ny) and they got to go to le cirque (gasp!) to do their quickfire challenge...recreating a specialty menu item of fish wrapped in potato served over creamed leeks. hung of course won, but casey was nipping at his heels in 2nd place. that droopy-eyed sara didn't even finish cooking hers, therefore serving a RAW piece of fish to sirio maccioni...how gross! what bugged me tho, was hung and his villainous way of doing everything. i see why the other chefs hate him.

i know this is a competition, but he takes it too far. he cooked his dish first and when he came out, everyone asked if he cooked on top of the stove or in the oven. hung, of course, wouldn't tell. my thing is, just tell 'em. just because you told them the method doesn't mean they are going to produce it as well as you. maybe they won't flavor it well, maybe they'll burn it, maybe it'll end up RAW, like sara. so all that extra, super-duper, top-secret spy ish isn't necessary. hung OBVIOUSLY has better knife skills and speed so he doesn't have to try to humiliate his competitors....just throw them a bone already. we all know he's gonna win anyway. geez!

nonetheless, this week's challenge was to create a great meal using the simplest of ingredients...chicken, potatoes, and a yellow onion. the twist, to cook and serve to the staff of the renowned french culinary institute.

well, casey, hung and brian made successful dishes. but sara, and dale were lagging behind in the threnches (where they usually are anyway). what killed me was brian's "big, green turd" of leek-infused whipped potatoes. it was tastey, but looked like something my kid might've pooped into her diaper...i agree with dale on that one. brian definitley had a flavorful dish tho. hung made some chicken and fried chicken skin with a potato ball that no one really liked. casey made a dish that usually is reserved for making with older roosters, but it still came out yummy. ditzy dale made 2 dishes that were supposed to be tied together by some magical fairy sauce, but dale forgot to put it on the plate so the dishes looked as dry as my coke bowl on a saturday night. sara made some MORE couscous and some jamican chicken without the jamican spices-lolol! needless to say, sara got the boot.

DOH!

personally, i think sara has been depressed since the beginning of the competition. she chain-smokes and has a relentless tired expression her face. i don't think her heart was ever in it, so she should have been sent packing long ago......but more importantly than that..DALE HAS GOT TO GO! he should have been sent home on episode three. and if for no ther reason, he is self taught, which is prolly why most of his food sucks. he is the WORST! nothing ever matches, his flavors are always wack and my cat could present her dried cat viddles better than he presents his slop. i think dale should stick to comedy and start his own designer line of man-capris with matching bandanas.....i'd buy them too!

but you couldn't pay me to eat his food BLEH!!

SASHAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i'm off to rehab.....

Adrienne Curry: A Hot White, Jew Marry-er

WHOA! i absolutely LOVE when people talk out of their *sses...take a gander

“MY Boycott against BET and Black History Month
Because of my last blog, and all the wonderful feedback I got..it made me think…
This is gonna be hard guys. I LOVE the comedians on BET. I also LOVE the fact that they play my favorite show of all time, In Living Color. However, I do not believe in seperating ANY RACE in America. WE ARE AMERICANS! How dare we have Black History Month! In my eyes, the Native Americans deserve it MUCH more, seeing how we destroyed their ENTIRE SOCIETY. There are hardly any of them left! They also have been proven to have the WORST living conditions on their reservations. I want AN AMERICAN HISTORY MONTH. One where we learn about EVERY race, ALL OF OUR LEADERS, EVERYONE! I think by having a month dedicated to one race, and not one for any other, is RACIST. Every fund set up to only help people of one race is SICK and RACIST.

Yes, I get it. Black people were slaves here once. You know what? That does suck some major balls, however, it is time to move the fuck on. Do we hear the Jews crying that they were made slaves for thousands of years? Do we hear them whine that they should OWN the pyramids in Egypt because THEY broke their backs making them? Do we hear them bitch and moan about Hitler, etc? (my hubby is a Jew)Nope, we dont. It’s time for us to UNITE AS ONE. I do not think that singling out one race, giving one race opportunities to go to college (I know a TON of poor white.asian, indian, american indian, etc etc that could use that too!), giving one race the EXCUSE to blame things on others for being whatever nationality they are, is a good way at making sure we NEVER kill racism.

I am over this shit. WE ALL CAME FROM ONE BLACK WOMAN FROM AFRICA, THAT is our EVE! It has been proven by science, and I stand by it. If any other race had a chanel dedicated to just them, we would think it was racist. If any other race demanded a month be set aside for ONLY them, they would be considered racist. I am NOT living by this double standard any longer.
Think I am racist? I am not. I know what racism is. I dated a guy named “Justin” in Junior high. Nothing serious, but I really liked him. He was the blackest of black…BEAUTIFUL skin, kinda like Alex Wek’s. He was handsome, and athletic, etc. I was called a nigger lover. But you know what? I was called that by a whole 2 people out of a school with HUNDREDS of students. THAT is why I am NOT buying this racist shit anymore. Let us teach or children that there is NO DIFFERENCE! We are all human. I hope one day aliens land and try to kill us. Maybe THEN we would finally realize that WE are ONE.

So, I will no longer tune into BET. This is going to suck, but I do NOT like the idea of having a chanel for only 1 race. In the year 2007 in a country that is supposed to be the most advanced and equal. This is unexceptable! I will also no longer acknowledge Black History Month. Instead, I will see it the way that Morgan Freeman does (I have the quote at the bottom of my last blog on Obama/jesseJackson, and OJ). AMERICAN HISTORY MONTH! I will read/watch/and learn about ALL the people who made a difference in this country.

I am asking you ALL to join me. Black, White, Indian, Asian, Russian, Australian, etc etc…..lets be AMERICANS together! What happened to the African American community was AMERICAN HISTORY, not BLACK HISTORY. If you want to celebrate in a way that excludes others and singles one race out, count me the FUCK out! I am soooo proud to be an American. I am SO proud that I have friends of every race, and none of us see each other as anything but what we are..people. Lets change Black History Month to 2 months of AMERICAN HISTORY. We will still learn about all the black leaders and people who made a difference….just not with the racist name of “Black History Month”. It has to start somewhere. I am going to do my part in making sure we are all treated EQUAL in a country that CLAIMS we are. NO MORE SPECIAL TREATMENT FOR ANYONE WITH ANYTHING!

It will never happen. At least, that is what many of you will say…FINE! My number one priority here is being able to die and know that I stood up for what I believed in, and that I did not add to the SEPERATION OF AMERICANS!! I love my country, I love the people in it. I love our history, good and bad. We should LEARN from it,not dwell in it and not move forward. That’s why I am done with this shit. You are all my brothers and sisters…..even if I think you suck ; ) As Bono said, “One life, with each other..sisters…brothers!”

now, have fun burning me at the stake ; )”

PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE...DISCUSS!

that's right, adrienne...keep enriching us racist americans with visions of your flat *ss. it makes everything you say THAT much more credible and sensible....

**ANTM - NEW SEASON** RETURN OF THE MOGWAIS (& crackheads)

"um, she's like...a crackhead" BOO-HOO-HOO
-ebony, evil knieval

oh sweet saviour...just take me right now! these girls are so chock full o' drama, i don't know who to fake-cry for first! but let me say this, ebony's mama is a woman after my own heart...SMOKE IT UP, GIRL!!!



ok, boring stuff first...33 chicks met up on a cruise ship and had some walking and photo challenges. 33 dwindled to 20 then 20 fizzled to 13. there are THIRTEEN new mogwais to keep our eyeballs glued to the tube and my opinion of them are as follows:

AMBREAL- um, what is an ambreal? just wondering...i feel like that's an object perhaps used for communing with great mother earth or maybe the ghosts of christmas future. "hey, bring me the ambreal incense and wind chimes!" or " do you have a spare ambreal pot? i'm making homemade candles tonight." ANYHOO, she's ok i guess. i'm not overly excited about her. maybe she'll woo me once she starts taking pictures....we'll see!


BIANCA- gotta love her for showing up with a $25 weave with purple bangs. i have a question....who picks out these hideous outfits that the girls are wearing in these pics? already, bianca is looking like a sickly scarecrow in that granmama moo-moo top and skinny jeans that are too skinny for her skinnies. i feel like she might be able to bring some sass later on.....


CHANTAL - her body is ridiculous and she seems like she might be a top contender. altho i think her face photographs kinda old, she has an effortless air about her. hate the 70's disco top and bright white shoes-BOOO!


HEATHER - when i first saw her and her self-professed "computer-hump" i nearly fell off the couch in laughter! she is awkward and lanky and has a HUGE mole on her chin that waved at me....but her photos were so...nice! but you know there had to be a missing piece to her sob story...she suffers from a form of autism called asperger's syndrome which makes her socially awkward and withdrawn.....hmmmmmmmmmmmm. i thought this was america's next top model....not hermit

JANET - i like her...well, i DID like her until she wanted to faux-wax tyra banks' tuna roll from the back. i mean, ok...you're an aesthetician, but did we need a demo wax session complete with spreading of tyra's booty cheeks and sticking your hands in her crack and fake-ripping the wax? that disturbed me...yet intrigued me at the same time. maybe her pixie powers have captivated me...


KIMBERLY - to be honest, i don't remember anything about her. so all i can say is...i hate that nearly cooch-bearing skirt she has on! again, who is styling this shoot? *BARF*


LISA - me LOVE HER long time! ok, too much...but i really like her and i'm casting my vote for her to be the winner right now. she, along with almost everyone else had super drama, came from the foster system, but she didn't seem as pitiful as some of the others. she seems very humble and her skin is gorgeous! (don't let me down, girl!)



MILA - is this season's lisa/jade/melrose but with sugar on top. she's way confident, but not rudely so. but her fake happiness almost made me stab myself in the jugular. nothing special about her to me...


SALEISHA - ok, so she went to tyra's infamous t-zone girls camp at the age of 14 to help build self-esteem and now she thinks she's "the bomb." but tyra's gonna be "harder on her" than everyone else. um, if the camp was supposed to help with self-esteem and confidence so why is tyra gonna go harder on her than anyone else? wouldn't that be the kinda destructive of the confidence she worked so tirelessly to establish? wouldn't that make her want to sob in the confessional more and eat lots of bread like keenyah did and put on 15 pounds while on the show and have to get photoshopped more than everyone and then she'll just succumb to the pressures and do a britney spears and shave all of her hair off and beat the other girls with an umbrella and..............ok, too much



SARAH-don't remember her...thinks she's the plus-size chick...who cares?

VICTORIA- me no likey her oblong-y-ish face. tyra loves it tho so i guess that's all that matters. she looks like she's scared to talk...she'll prolly be the house wuss and maybe she'll have a meltdown and go off on all those skanks later. her look bores me tho, especially that JCpenney top and k-mart jeans. p.s., my granny wants her aerosole sandals back

lastly, we can't leave out ebony. she's so full of herself and she had the most touching story of all. her mama is a crackhead!! AND on top of that, her first boyfriend did her dirty too, and she actually "had feelings for him." GASP! she got on everyone's nerve being overly rude and tasteless with her comments. plus she thinks her walk is perfect. well, i for one think her walk is atrocious...especially with that imaginary stick up her booty. why are her legs always so agape? dang, i forgot about the stick that quickly! anyhoo, she's a hot mess with a barely-there top lip and frizzy hair...but i can't wait to see if she'll deliver when put to the test.

i must say that it is starting to seem like the applicants are piling on the drama and sadness in hopes to jerk tyra's heart strings and let them into the house. i'm sooooooooooooo tired of the down-and-out stories. this one's adopted, that one's homeless, this one's mama is a crackhead, that's one's beeen beaten, that one's a stripper scratching and surviving to get by....i mean, COME ON!!! i don't even know if i believe half of that stuff. and if it's all true, then suck it up!! this show is the chance for you to better yourself, get out of "the life" and become FABULOUS. stop invoking my precious tears for you and your downtrodden, wayward, misguided self. get to walking, stomping, and strutting down that catwalk and put your best face forward. all that extra mess DOES make for interesting tv tho

off-the-wall questions: who was that child who made it to the top 20 named SPONTONAISE? aw lawd! why do people do this? and how do you pronounce it...spon-to-nay-eeese, spon-to-nayz, spon-to-nah-ee-say???? if she had made it to the house, i would have just called her sponny-spon-spon or the spon-meister or maybe spondilocks.

and marvita...why? all that trash talking and rough over-confidence got you nothing but the boot. she was another one who poured on the sadness with her personal story. and when she was rejected, she tried to act like she didn't care or understand why other rejects were crying. girl, please! you know you went and cried into your adidas after the tapes stopped rolling.

all in all, these girls are a hot mess and i can't wait for makeovers! WHO ARE YOU ROOTING FOR?

Top Chef: Still In Mourning, Early in the Morning

since tre has been dismissed, my heart just really stills mourns for the show. i can't believe that cj, sara or casey have lasted longer than him....nonetheless, onto the post


the chefs were awkened by annoying padma and their quickfire challenge was to make her a delicious breakfast in 20 minutes.





all of the recipes were successful, but hung (yuck!) won the challenge with his steak & eggs and shake. but because padma is a lush, she really chose his because his shake had grand marnier in it. let me just say how much i detest hung. he's so conniving and magically delicious with his midget butt and i love/hate his overconfidence. bleh!



anyhoo, padmonster told the crew that they were headed to new york and you would have thought they won the lottery. what was up with all that excitement? once the chefs landed in newark (NJ), they were informed that they wouldn't even make it into the city until they passed the next challenge....which was preparing plane food for the crew of continental airlines. well, being a person who has tasted many a barftastic plane meal, i was really excited to see what yummy goodness they could come up with for those teeny, tiny foil containers.



well, cj, sara and brian has the worst dishes. cj had some dead fish with overly-powerful mint oil, sara had some cardboard, flavorless couscous and brian had some chewy lobster. sidebar: does/will brian EVER prepare anything that is not seafood? dang! he's as bad as marcel from season 1 who made a friggin' foam for every dish.



hung, casey and dale had the most successful dishes with hung having some yummy fish, casey had veal medallions and dale had some steak. casey won? um, i'm confused. she never seems to cook with confidence and she just seems aloof. when she wins, she's always so overly-surprised cuz it's like she stumbled onto a successful dish rather than her planning ahead for it.



poor cj got the boot but i don't feel for him, maybe he just not built for this show with his freakish tall-i-ness (what is he, like 6'10"?) and his one testicle. hey, at least everyone got to wear those fun-looking itchy hair-nets.



one time for cj...BOO-HOO-HOO

MTV: VMA's: Was Everyone There On Crack?

NEARER MY GOD TO THEE!!!

the drama that went on up and thru there was of crackish proportions...i mean, between britney spears' half-dead performance and the kid rock/tommy lee smackfest, along with kanye's outburst and jamie foxx's erratic intro...i was just in awe!

and i thought I HAD dropped the ball when i peformed like this....



but girlfriend has me beat...oh yes, i'm talking about that "britney comeback," and if you saw even a smidgen of it, then you know that homeslice needs to throw in the towel. i mean, what WASN'T wrong with that mess of a performance? and what happened to the whole disappearance act she was supposedly planning to do with the mindfreak himself, criss angel? and WHY OH WHY, did she have on those shiny drawls and bra knowing she still has a beer gut? UGH!! all of the promo and build-up they did for her and she could barely lip-synch to that song. not to mention, her weave was about 3.7 shades bleachier than her roots...it looked like my cat got ahold to that head. me thinks she should go hole up with la lohan in her crack hideout. brit buried her shred of a career comeback with that mess....boo-hoo-hoo, gimme NO more!


now, i could barely control my laughter when it was announced that kid rock straight pimp-slapped tommy lee. was it about the tongue swallowing pammie did with tommy? regardless, what i want to know is...what man slaps another man? backhand at that!! HA HA HA HA!!!!!! but then again, kid rock looks like he's overseen a few lady-of-the-evening transactions if you ask me,









so kanye is never gonna do mtv again? well, can i blame him? no, not really. i mean, yes, he's outspoken, annoying, and on his own sack, but i kinda feel where he's coming from....britney has been nowhere, producing a whole bunch of nothing (except for drama) and then in a matter of days she can take top spot to showcase her (used to be) skills. kanye's song truly is #1 in the country, so i DO feel like he would have been better as an opening, especially if he had pulled a "Screamfest" and had lots of surprise guests. then nelly furtado, justin and timbaland closed. ok, WTF!?!?! it seemed like the song went off before they were ready for it to. and that song is old now (even tho i still like it). neither opening nor closing acts were BANGIN' so i can ride with kanye on this one.



jamie foxx was clearly on that oooh-wee when he came out on stage just talking to audience members and dropping those shameless plugs over and over. he never even tried to read from the prompter. i know he was still amped from the fight, but geez, he was straight childish looking with all that face making and loud talking...BOOOOOOOO!!!!

this was no doubt THE WORST VMA's EVER!!! and whoever thought to have separate performance suites should be slapped by kid rock as well....

p.s. what in the fever blister, cootie-ridden, crusty, crackled, diseased heck is going on in this pic?

...i'm off to rehab!

KIMORA: My Life Whore Idol

"you can be a bit too thin but you can never be too rich."-kimora lee simmons

let me just start by saying i HEART kimora lee simmons for being such a life whore. she makes no apologies for being loud, ostentacious and overly gluttenous. me likey!

this week she traveled to cannes with the pups and kiddies to spread her baby phatness overseas. i'm not gonna get hung up in the details of marketing and all that company mumbo-jumbo...

what i want to focus on is the uber-FABNESS that is james. he's my own little plump fashion fairy and he had a brief moment when he was trying to cast models for baby phat. after everyone agreed that the models pretty much sucked, james took matters into his own hands and tried to show the models how to walk. NEARER MY GOD TO THEE!! not only did he swing that excessively large baby belly like the hottest fall bag, he sashayed around that room on his tippy toes, as if he had on some imaginary D&G stilettos! in actuality, all we saw was his flat, dirty soles all balanced on ten little piggies which, might i add, held up quite well under the pressure of all his junk! it was like he was floating on a cloud and yes, i was mystified.

poor (new assistant) mallory...she just got thrown to the wolves with errands and grunt-work, but i love how no one bats an eye when giving her 100 orders at a time. i just want to hug her cuz she was fluttering around in a ball gown with no shoes on tying up loose ends, ironing dresses, finding tape, building an entertainment center and inventing the wheel all at one time. er, that's so not for me. i wouldn't have lasted a day in her position but we'll see how long she lasts...

later, kimora had a series of press to do and honey worked it like a drag queen in the club on thursday night (wink, shawn!). she was so extra, and i loved it! the only thing i really remember her saying was "anything a man can do, a woman can do better, except for something stupid." and i will definitley say i agree-LOL! shooooooooot...i've smoked my boo, bobby brown under the table on many occasions and why you ask...not because i have a better inhalation game...nope, my lungs aren't bigger and honestly, i never smoked until we hooked up...but i've out-smoked him time and time again and simply put, because i'm a woman! two snaps for me!!

also, i just want to add that when i grow up, i want to be like aoki lee simmons. she is the most smart-mouthed little spitfire i've seen in a loooooooooooong time. from embarrassing hassan the chef to ordering the help around, she's the newest in must-have cute, but outrageous, borderline inappropriate mini moguls. order yours today!

The Hills Are Alive...With More Break-ups

"you're rolling around with my enemy, which makes you my enemy" - spencer "2-year-old" pratt

you really have to love the sheer idiocy that these kids display. it cracks (LOL) me up that because of one relationship, all types of reactionary break-ups, friend wars and hate -fests ensue...the minute spencer and heidi made it official, heidi and lc fizzled, spencer and lc exploded, jenn and lc crackled, spencer and audrina clashed, and now BRODY AND SPENCER DISINTEGRATED.....let's reenact the final convo...break out the kleenex!

brody: um, honey boo, i've been calling! where've you been?

spencer: no no sugar, who've you been hanging out with? oh yessssss, honey, i heard it thru the grapevine!

brody: listen boo, you still my # 1, lauren's just my homie...don't get salty

spencer: well, honey chile, i do NOT share the stage with anyone, especially her.

brody: why? you're just as hot as she is, c'mon...i love you!

spencer: well, i loved you and now i'm betrayed. you're rolling around with my enemy and that makes you my enemy! boo-hoo-hoo..(sobbing)

brody: ok, like, for real, bros before hos and you know you're my fave! c'mon...whose blonde hair catches and reflects the sun rays like yours? whose baby blue eyes radiate like fresh south american waterfalls? whose scruffy facial hair scratches those hard-to-reach places on my back like yours? no one can replace you!

spencer: UH-UH FISH! you should have thought about that before you started hanging out with miss thang! i have no more words for you (CLICK)

brody: what a b*^$%!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BOO-HOO-HOO

i mean, i can't stand when "adults" feel the need to spread their toxins just because they have an issue with someone. but it sure does make for interesting tv...anyhoo, so heidi took to scraping the bottom of the barrel for a friend and came up with jen. they went to breakfast and heidi could barely keep it together-LOL!

i thought she was gonna cry right into her hash browns! all jen did was ask about the lauren drama and heidi went on a rampage about brody starting the rumors (that lauren blamed heidi for), how she didn't care about their lost friendship and how spencer had to tell brody to kick rocks because of lauren. what was so funny was how she really struggled to be believably nonchalant. she poked, stabbed and rearranged her food about 3 zillion times, her eyes looked like they weighed 20 pounds and her non-existent lips were continuously pursed into a frown...kinda like

eh? uh? oh?

poor baby! denial is a disease!

on the HILARIOUS homefront, audrina and i broke out the high end merchandise this weekend and...WHEW! i think i killed about 359,071 brain cells. but audrina definitely had me beat, and i regret to inform you that our latest adventures have seriously affected the entire left side of her brain...you know, the one that tells you to RUN! when you see wart hogs like justin bobby...especially after he leaves you stranded at a party to go hook up with another chick. audrina is one of those chicks you just want to hit upside her head with a brick. she just NEVER gets it! so you sit back and watch her stumble over herself a million times. at first you feel for her, then she becomes your source of entertainment. wart and audrina went to dinner at some hole in the wall where wart practically called her friends mindless little nosy-bodies. and do you think she spoke up for them? HA! between our crack-fests and justin's natural body aura/aroma/man-smell, she's too fried :-(

ya'll pray for me...i'm off to rehab!