BET is on POINT!!!!

boy, how do i love BET? let me count the ways...they are really trying to make a comeback! i loves me some them. ok, lemme stop.....but i accidentally caught the series premiere of their new show College Hill: Interns. PRAISE THE LAWD AND PASS THE PEAS!!! i'm in love!

basically there is a group of ten college age folks who go to chicago to intern and be guided by dr. ian smith (celebrity fit club & 50-Million Pound Challenge).

so of course, last night was the intro episode where we got to meet this "interesting" group of chill'ens.

so this is marc. he just graduated from college and had a 4 year basketball scholarship. he's interested in all things sports and seems like he'll be the playboy of the group.

enter jenna. aw lawd! i TOTALLY know someone like her. she's cute and smart, graduated from college cum laude. has a boyfriend, yet openly flirts with marc once she sits down with him. but the biggest turnoff about her is her MOUTH! she so L-O-U-D!!! i hate that. the more she spoke, they more she revealed that she's the loud one who wants ALL of the attention, wants all the boys to be in love with her, all the girls to envy her, all people on general to be impressed with her and her "smarts" and she worked my nerve from start to finish!

then comes lonnie. he initially looks like he could play the human version of theodore from alvin and the chipmunks cuz his cheeks are like...

anyhoo, i forgot his stats, but of course, jenna was right at home in her marc and lonnie sandwich, cuz you know they both love her...BLEH!

enter tationna. she's from bx, baby! and instantly i got the vibe that she considered herslef to be kinda princess-ish. you ever met someone who thought they were a fashionista, but their stuff SCREAMED bargain basement? well, there you have it.

help me lawd, and hold my mule! here's spencer. a preacher's kid from north ca'lina. (that's how some of them say it for real!) anyhoo, this brotha walked in wearing a blue suit. well you ask, what's wrong with that? well, it wasn't navy blue, wasn't black-blue...it was ROYAL BLUE, PIMP DADDY BLUE, JHERI CURL PREACHER BLUE, M&M CANDY BLUE!! ARRRRRRRGH!!!!!!!! my eyes bled from the sight. this dude is country, i mean, CUNTRY, CUNTREY! of course, the others took note of the faux pas and were utterly confused by it. but because i lived in the south for a while, i understand that some southerners have a different "style" about them. colors and patterns are their friends. and not regular colors and patterns, but really LOUD and offensive ones. kinda like.....

except he didn't have the hat. vomit stage left<<<<<<<<<

here's kathy. initially, i loved her style and her hair, until i saw her b-boy designs cut into her hair style. that totally ruined it for me. it just doesn't look professional. i mean, it was like, on some kanye west ziggy-zag tip. but her outfit was still banging. oh, and yes, she loves "p**sy." YES FOLKS, she's a lesbian and she wears too much make up so when the camera is close on her face, she looks like a BRATZ doll.

kasheef...what can i say? he's like a drunken michael bivins. he kinda looks like him, and his vioce...OMG! sounds just like him, except he speaks very slow and slurry, like he's drunk.* he's short like him too!

ivy is like the mama of the group. she's very subdued, pretty quiet and like the shrinking violet. i can see that she'll prolly be the hard worker who will end up doing extra for the slackers in the house.

*************************************************

so after everyone introduced themselves, they moved into the house which was quite lovely. they had a team building challange and relay race with everyone divided into two teams. the winning team won gift cards andthe only funny part was that tationna was on the losing team and she kept whining about how she actually broke a "sweat" and didn't even win anything. LOL!

so later on, everyone decided to go out bowling and to the club. let the bootay hunching begin. I SO HATE THAT CRAP! whatever happened to real dancing. women, grinding your bootay into a man's ween-doggy dog does not a dance make! men, trying to drill your member into the back of a young lady's skirt is not hot...UGH! anyhoo, everyone enjoyed themselves and the love fest ensued.

well, all shows start like that. (remember the last college hill? HA!) the drama shall begin shortly and a small tidbit began when all of the dudes decided to go out without the ladies and get their "stunna" on. of course with those cameras on, the hoochies were lined up and these guys were poppin bttles and everything. *enter kasheef! someone was waaaaaaaaay too happy to be on tv and have some free champagne cuz he guzzled down a whole bottle by himself and was drunk out of his mind. the other guys had to literally carry him into the house. that's so sexy! and there he lay, near the procelain throne all night....and everyone has a meeting with dr. ian the next morning.....................

we'll see how things pan out next week. i'm sure B(ootay) E(ntertainment) T(elevision) will re-run it a zillion times, so check it out!

OH! i almost forgot about these two.......

maurice...he's the cutie of the house if you ask me. but he has a lot of tattoos on his arms and i just wish these kids would stop tatting themselves up all over the place. i mean, to the degree that wearing a simple polo shirt will reveal your name, your whole family tree and whatever else you chose to have doodled all up and down your person. think about the career you even desire to have one day. image is everything peoples!

this is letia. she literally bounces out of the car and into the room wearing a tank top and mini jean skirt. she's the one who's currently "in love" and has ginormous watermelon boobs. how inappropriate did she look going into a professional meeting room with excess boobage spilling onto the table? can we say..LOTS!?! hey, but she does wish they were smaller...way to downplay your melons, lay them on your resume when meeting dr. ian while wearing spaghetti straps!

LOVE THIS HOT MESS OF A SHOW!!! WHOOPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Computer Wackosity

ok, so i'm like TRYING to post and my internet connection is on some serious BLEH! i'm literally borrowing someone else's computer just to type this, but hopefully i'll be back up and running cuz i have some stuff just a'brewin' in this ignant little mind....it's itching to get out!

YOWZA!

Mario & His Mom

***let me say, that while i refer to addiction in a playful manner, and yes, i crack jokes, this really isn't funny when it's as real as it was on this show. so i'm gonna attempt to be serious for a spell...and even tho this women seriously suffers/suffered from an addiction to heroin, i'm gonna give my honest opinion on what i viewed***

so i am halfway done watching the mario special about his momma and her habit. i'll be back when it's done, but let me say that as of right now...i'm disgusted with what i'm seeing.

ok, so i've returned. let me start by saying i am HEART BROKEN for mario. it is a SHAME that he had to experience such foolishness. yes, i said foolishness. yeah, yeah, yeah...addiction is a disease, but there's something i just can't get with. forget the fact that you are supposed to be grown. forget the fact that you are wasting money. forget the fact that your personal life is prolly a mess. and your health? yeah right. forget that too. but when you HAVE A CHILD/CHILDREN....oh, that's some other stuff.

no, i'm not really an addict, but maybe i'm not because i can not even fathom having an object having control of life. a substance ruining the people i love cuz i'm too selfish to stop. i cannot even wrap my mind around such a thing. ok, so some people get caught up. i'll give her that. but i have to say, if you ever find yourself caught up, how can you not look at that inncoent life that never asked to be here (that you are simultaneously ruining) and find it within yourself to overcome? and what was so freaky to me was, MARIO LOOKS JUST LIKE HER!! my kid looks just like me as well. i can't even imagine looking in that face and still just do me. this guy wrote a song for her and her shameful ways, pleading for his "mother" to stop. he even called the show 'intervention' to try to help her.

now let's revisit that later...but i'm gonna skip over to something i noticed on the show and have observed in real life. i am extremely uneasy about seeing how some single mothers shift a lot of their crap onto their sons in the absence of a spouse. BEFORE YA'LL CHOP MY HEAD OFF....continue reading. i am by no means saying that this is always the case, but it was on this show and i personally have seen it in life. the "mothers"....instead of teaching them, helping them spread their wings, they are sucking their lives out of them. dragging them down with their mess. leaning waaaaaaaaaaay too hard for them to fix this, save that, help this, pay that, do this, etc. I HATE THAT!! as a parent, you have the responsibility to be the rock for your child, not reverse. you are supposed to be the guiding light, the teacher, the EXAMPLE! and even worse, a mother, A MOTHER?!?! how can you carry a child, birth it into the world, and rob them of their joy? rob them of the best possible upbringing? rob them of success (emotional or financial) cuz you want what you want? i'm not a man so i don't know what that could be like to walk out on your fam, but a woman? to choose something else over the miracle that you AND ONLY YOU could even bring to this earth? call me crazy, but i feel like whatever wild, crazy, overly-selfish things i haven't accomplished by now...OH WELL! i have a kid now so IT'S NOT ABOUT ME!

but here we have a son, struggling to do his job, all the while with his cracked out mother dragging him down. he was unfocused. he was hurt, he was tired, he was abandoned....AND THIS CHICK HAD THE NERVE TO TRY AND FORCE HER WAY INTO HIS LIFE/CAREER BY TRYING TO BE HIS MANAGER!!!!!!!!! not only did she not know ONE thing about managing a professional singing career, she's A DAILY HEROIN USER!

i was sick to my stomach watching this. but what is even more damaging is the effects that this "leaning" behavior has on the sons. when they do grow up, they may find it hard to cut the trifling mothers from the apron strings. they may always want to linger around, checking on her. they may always feel the need to be "captain save-a-..." because she'll always be in the middle of some ish and with no man to help her shoulder the load, who do you think she'll be looking at first? this is crippling to any other relationship he ever tries to have. children are not built to carry such burdens that "ADULT" people choose to acquire for themselves, wheter it be drugs, or whatever. when such heavy issues are forced upon them at a young and inappropriate age, it stunts their progress because they have to focus on crap instead of being children and growing into their own life. and poor mario....he's not even a "regular joe." he's 21, successful and SHOULD have been living the best times of life just growing into a man, but he's been weighed down by her mess.

anyhoo, they do the intervention and she agrees to go to rehab (again). but before she leaves, she must get high again, regardless of the fact that she uses a $50 supply per day and she had a $100 supply the day before. but it gets better...she asks mario for the $50 to go buy with. HE GIVES IT TO HER. then the cameras follow her. as if that wasn't enough....she comes back and

prepares the stuff right in front of him. HE WATCHED HER GET HIGH AND EXHIBIT THAT BEHAVIOR RIGHT THERE...and he said it best "to see that, it affects me..."

all i have to say is 1) you NEVER know what someone is dealing with in their personal life, 2) life is too short to be so selfish, 3) GOD bless mario for being so strong and brave to share such a tragic story with us, and 4) i hope that woman realizes how lucky she is to have someone even willing to address the madness with her. otherwise...

...i'm just speechless

The Salt-N-Pepa Show: "Lawd, Where's my Scalpel?"

i just have to say that i have just sampled my newest crack...THE SALT-N-PEPA SHOW. fly me to the moon!

let's get straight to it...salt has moved on, grown up and has her lovely christian family and life tucked away in a very warm and fuzzy little home on long island. pepa is still loud, boisterous, chasing a dream & trying to make a dollar outta fifteen cents. i love them BOTH! well, shaq is throwing some party and requests to have them perform and they met up to discuss the possibility. it went something like this...

SALT: i dunno, i'm over this

PEPA: well, i want to. you left me hanging years ago. YOU SUCK DONKEY BALLS!

SALT: i just wanna do what i wanna do, not what you wanna do or anybody else wants to do, just me and what i wanna do-DO-DOOOOOOOO!

PEPA: you owe me cuz you ruined erry'thang!

SALT: boo-hoo-hoo, i was all barfy, sticking my finger down my throat, like depressed and stuff and i was going insane in my membrane ('member that song, hee hee!)

PEPA: get over it, please! i'll wash your car, i'll be your best friend, i'll braid your hair, i'll buy you a new nose like the one i'm gonna get

SALT: ok, lemme think (mumbles: i hate you)

PEPA: (mumbles, i hate you more!)

so pepa goes out with her (rowdy) friend circle and totally trashes salt and her moral outlook. meanwhile salt is lighting candles, humming and crying to her sister circle about the decision she's facing. well, sister circle encouraged her to do it in a positive way so she called pep and the convo went kinda like this........

SALT: boo-hoo-boo, ok so i was thinking...

PEPA: uh-huh

SALT: and i think i can push it real good, i mean, i can do it for the lawd

PEPA: betta had, b*tch! SIKE, nah, but for real, you betta had...PEACE!!!

SALT: WAIT!!! i'm uncomfortable so can you go easy with me?

PEPA: um yeah, i'll try to make you more comfortable. you can cry on my shoulder...i'll hold your hand...i'll be the wind beneath your wings

SALT: um, are you speaking lesbian to me? i told you, i'm not down AND STOP DREAMING ABOUT STICKING YOUR FINGER IN MY CLEAVAGE!!

PEPA: you wish! (thinking...dang! i sure was)

so they met up to discuss some of the details about the upcoming performance like salt's need to change some lines. pep agrees and off to rehearsal they go! i almost dropped my coke bowl when i saw pepa giving an onlooker faux-fellatio as she rapped "whatta man." THAT MESS WAS HILARIOUS!! of course, salt had to pull her aside and check her. but pepa's excuse was the funniest part. she was like "i'm not in his crotch! i start at his KNEE, then i work my way up (to his crotch)." LOL

salt prolly tossed and turned all night cuz she met pepa in the park to re-discuss the previous incident. what cracked me up was how salt was just over talking and basically screaming on pepa. then pepa sat there like a lil' kid who just agreed with everything. nonetheless, shaq cancelled so salt suggested they rap at her church..."WHOOPEE!" was pepa's reply (ok, not really, but still)

showtime! pepa shows up at the church with my personal fave, see thru nipple bearing shirts and hooker boots. salt, OF COURSE, checked her again and they went on the perform "whatta man-the gospel version." but pepa had to be pepa, she carressed her body and tried to dip it to the floor/drop it like it's hot for jesus, but salt's all-seeing eye caught it and snatch her bootay right up! LOL afterward, they kissed and hugged backstage and the ep ended with salt apologizing for walking out on pep the way she did back in the day.

all in all, i love this show! it's gonna be jam-packed with hilarity and foolishness. what i noticed was salt is very strong mouthed! she will scream on you in a second, almost like you're her kid. and pepa can be all loud and crazy, but is easily punked. i love how they play the different music for the two...like when salt is on, her background music is all peaceful and mild. and when pepa is on, hers is like a thunderclap, just vicious and rough. the editors are making this show look a hot, hateful mess and i LOVES IT!!!

but WHAT I REALLY WANT TO KNOW IS WHO THE UNLICENSED HECK JACKED UP PEPA'S NOSE?!?!?! and what was so funny was when the show was airing...they kept showing her with the new nose during promos and commercials but she has the old nose on the show. it was spooky....if i could, i'd pay for her to RE-chop that thang cuz it's not working for me. what's wrong with it? i can't quite put my finger on it but something just ain't right. oh, i think it's the nostrils. they look like she's struggling to breathe. they're waaaaaaaaaay too small. lawd, give her air!

cuz, um...she's rick james, b*tch!

tune in folks!

Top Chef: Young, Dumb & Full of Hung...

ok, ok...you're right! i have shucked, jived, tossed and turned and i really was trying to just block the finale of top chef out of my mind. i mean, it was no surprise that hung won...but i really just felt so listless afterward. plus, my heart is still laden with anguish and despair because of tre (le sigh)

love don't live here anymore.....

but for real, this season's finale was rather interesting. the fact that dale sashayed his way into the top three after numerous disasters that he called "meals" had my stomach in knots. casey always bored me to tears and hung was a no brainer. nonetheless, during the finale, typically kicked off chefs come back to help the remaining chefs. most times, there are a few and some get chosen while the others get booted yet again (sniggle). well, this time casey, hung and dale were given sous chefs that are famous in the cheftastic world...rocco dispirito, michelle bernstein and todd english. they could barely contain themselves, but while they were pulsating in their chef pants, a twist was thrown in, they had to add a dish to their already established 3-course meal.

enter twist # 2, booted off contestants were, in fact, coming back to help...but there's only three of them meaning that the chefs couldn't pick and choose. everyone would get someone whether they liked them or not...and my personal lover-lover howie was one of them. of course, dale started foaming at the mouth and panicking like a little poodle. casey was, um...boring. hung was hung...fast and overconfident.

long story short, casey pretty much gave up and her dishes sucked. dale was hot and cold with some good and some bad dishes. hung delivered except for when it came to his added dish and he made a molten chocolate cake....yeah, a molten chocolate cake like the one you can get at chili's or applebee's. hmph.

moving on, when it came time for the judges to chit chat with the contestants, casey should have just laid down on the floor and taken a nap. that's how much she looked like she didn't want to be there. she made excuse after excuse and gave howie the credit for the dish the judges liked best.

all in all, hung won....yum yum dim sum

all i want to know is if gail is preggers because if not, then she needs a girdle on. and maybe a fake padded booty-LOL!

and WHAT WACKO went and got a top chef 3 tattoo? nevermind, i don't even want to know...

La Pregante Scringing on Letterman

ya know, i've always resented j.lo for having a successful career in the singing/scringing industry. i mean, that ish pisses me off. nonetheless, she keeps churning out the hits (and misses) with her pregnant bootay.

but lawd, why are people still allowing her to perform? LIVE!?!?!? she needs to be sipping some tea and putting her feet up...and i do not say that just because she's preggers. she needs to do that so that the public's ears can stop being assaulted by her strains and screeches. nonetheless, she took to letterman, wearing yet another shapeless frock. hold onto your hooker boots while you watch........




i love how she asked the crowd to wave their hands and told them "it's alright" as if they needed coaxing and coddling. maybe...they...just...weren't...feeling...it

j.lo, save that voice for your fetuses. maybe they'll appreciate you tearing up their lullabyes...

And the Beat Don't Stop...........

check baby, check baby, one two, three, four
check baby, check baby, one two, three
check baby, check baby, one, two
check baby, check baby, one

all i wanna do is zooma zoom zoom zoom and a boom boom.............


ok, so i'm currently watching VH-1's Hip Hop Honors right now and i am on the floor.....*updates to come*

what the FUG!?!? ok, the show was on POINT...until neyo came out during the new jack swing/teddy riley tribute wearing a glittery jacket singing "remember the time". he sounded nervous and ok, i give him that, cuz that's a classic. but who in the bleached-blonde, crispy voiced, bad soprano heck told keyshia cole to come out and sing it with him? wearing two hefty cinch sacks for pants no less? she could not find the proper key to sing in...EVER! when she first realized she sounded a fright, she stopped singing and said a tired "what's up ya'll?" to the audience, as if to pause like she was just playing. but started howling again and after a while she just gave up and did a tired be-bop dance. i mean, did they have rehearsal? it straight up looked like she was back stage feeling it and was like "aw snap, that's my jam...lemme go out there" and realized that was NOT her jam, at least not her jam to be singing! UGH! my cat sounds better than that when she's getting a bath....

and who in the burnt hair grease heck told corn-chip smelling t-pain to sing ANYTHING?? let alone a classic like "i want her" by guy....oh the tragedy! now i see why he always uses the synthesizers...i really, i mean, REALLY can't sing. can't even hold a note. THEN cripsy tried to dance while scringing (screaming + singing)...hold my mule, lawd, just hold my mule! and he scared me with his overall look...those shades make him look like the boogey-man...BLEH!!

then teddy riley (looking a tad too thin and wispy for my liking) came out singing "no diggity." i mean, he gets a pass cuz his songs were the hotness...but his voice was just a'cracklin' too!! he never was the singer-singer, but geez...he was killing me softly with the crackle. and that daggone chauncy was loving his minutes on stage something serious.

i'm concerned, teddy...

if you have 6 minutes to waste....(bad audio, primarily for visual)



sidebar::::tracey morgan is a FOOL! the skit of him driving the cabs...PRICELESS!!

who in the i-can't-think-of-anyone-else heck chose nick cannon to perform? i mean, stop playin! just stop it right now! during the whodini tribute, this nut came out with his dooky chain and rapped like he was broke and the rent was due tomorrow. i know he really wants to be rapper...remember this?

but stop it, nick. please....just stop

sidebar::::why has the lead rapper from whodini STILL not gotten his bugs bunny teeth fixed? maybe they give him personality...shoot, i admit, that was the first thing i was checking for when he hit the screen...aw, forget it. celebs/pseudo-celebs love them some raggedy teefus "the teeth come out niiiiiiiiiiight"

sidebar::::how cute was nelly doing the "wop"?

sidebar::::altho jermaine dupri started out dancing in rap videos, he couldn't get it poppin' to save his life! millions of dollars and poking janet jackson on the regular will do that to ya! he could barely break dance in his cute little leather sweater. shoot, with that big belly he was sportin, he could barely get up off the floor from TRYING to break-LOLOL!


sidebar::::how stupid fresh was it that harvey keitel introduced snoop dogg?

sidebar::::aw, my boo-boo, phife dawg...that diabetes is a mess. i was worried that you were sniffing the white bandit (before i knew what it was that had you looking like that) feel better, boo boo. p.s. why was dude from zulu nation up there with them? p.p.s. thank you ali shaheed for getting YOUR buckey beaver teefus fixed. i remember when you were rocking the braces. loves it!

um, lupe fiasco ande pharrell, DOUBLE FUG to you for screwing up/switching up the words to "electric relaxation", and busta...all that hollerin'. stop it! if i didn't know the words to "scenario" i would have thought you were having a tourette syndrome scream attack. not one word you said was audible. loved the pink and green paisley coat tho!




have you ever been to a club carrying $76,000 in single dollar bills? did foxy brown ever beat you down with a cell phone? you know what free cheese is? you ever been given a diamond-encrusted challis by bishop majic don juan? you ever get lil' kim pregnant? no, then you're not hip-hop!!

Tim Gunn Strike

ok, so i know i have yet to recap tim gunn's show...so i'll be honest. i haven't said a word about it because of this....









ok, lemme stop! but she does look like this to me!


see, this is jeanne (pronounced JEE-ANN, not JEEN...go figure). she was the 2nd ran over mess of a makeover tragedy to be featured. and her major accomplishment was that she lost, like 150 pounds or something. thats great! i mean, hey, being 300 pounds isn't healthy OR sexy. but what bothered me was that throughout the whole show, neither tim nor veronica really let her have it. you know...tim gunn has a super smart mouth...veronica is like the salt in the wound...he's all-knowing, she's the gorgeous sidekick...he cracks on you...she laughs and then shakes her supermodel tush in your face...you feel inferior to their beauty and fashion sense....they look at your underwear and laugh harder...you feel embarassed....on and on. but it was like, they were so easy on her cuz of her weight issue and i for one, was DISAPPOINTED.





she knows she's fat. she knows she was grotesquely fat not long ago. she knows this is a tv show. so she tried to appeal to their sympathy and it worked. that mess pissed me off. see the girl before her and after her were cute chicks. they just had some off items in their closet. but not only was jeanne a fat, gappy, tatted up mess...HER REAL CLOTHES WERE HORRID!!!!!! some of the worst i've ever seen. yet they never unleashed the dragon on her. she cried when it was time to show her ragged undies so they totally backed off. she ran out of the room and everything! and from that point on, everything she did was perfect.





i hated this ep. and it really made me not want to blog about the show for a while. i say, if you embarass one, embarrass them all....fat or thin, short or tall, married or whatever. don't feel sorry for a chick cuz she's rocking major thunder in her girdle, has duct tape holding her saddlebags up or is one big lump of flab under her spanx. and to top it off, she had approximately three bald spots in her head. who cares?? i mean, you are helping them in the end. so if they cry and roll all over the floor in the process....then the greater the end product.





i'll get over it.


i love you, tim gunn.

Pimp Slappin' H*es w/B. Scott

ok, so i just HAD to post this video of b. scott and his latest adventures....from the zebra bonnet, to the h* song to the ethiopian neighbor.....EGADS! i nearly died....take a peek

ANTM: Cycle 2, Let's Light a Ciggie, Down with Twiggy & Love Tyra's Wiggie

so i am disappointed....the pics from this ep are like mission impossible...but if you watched the show, then try to just recall from memory. also, i just want to say that I HATE TWIGGY! she is so dry and listless. i just want to give her a shot of sambuca and smack her hiney! LOOSEN UP! and tyra's wigs are becoming boring....i think she should have borrowed miss jay's afro wig...let's get kinky!

nonetheless, this ep introduced the green theme of the winnebago and home the mogwais will be maintaining during the season. first things first.....what the fug is going on in bianca's head that made her target lisa as her little whipping post? she was attacking this girl left and right! i really am wondering if this was a case of that "hate on the high yellow girl"...but it was like...where was all this anymosity coming from? the show just started and bianca was calling lisa out every 2 minutes. it was all pretty sad actually...and what was the most unnecessary was bianca calling lisa out for being a bikini dancer saying that ANTM would never be a stripper/dancer/bikini chick. it brought lisa to tears....and i just wanted to hug her, give her a snausage and pat her little wet head. regardless, they kissed and made up....even tho bianca was faking (sniggle, sniggle)

but onto the shoot...this one was to focus on the dangers of smoking...kinda like a psa, and every chick represented a bad effect. TALK ABOUT HILARIOUS!!!!! i mean, technically, smoking is bad (for your health) but i was dying from some of the looks these girls were doing. i have to say MILA was the funniest...she had to be a chemo patient who was suffering from cancer and hair loss, so she had these weird hair patches and a crusty mouth and THAT mess was soooooooooo funny. even she couldn't stop laughing. her head looked like firemarshall bill, except with longer strands of hair.

i can't even remember all the effects (curse those photo hoarders!), but there was everything from premature wrinkling to facial tumors and holes-in-the-throat to dead babies being born....HOT MESS!

ok, so maybe tyra was trying to "stand for something" but that crap was truly funny in its delivery! ROFL!!! regardless, after all was said and done...MILA got her leukemia-fried, patchy dome sent back to smiley-land. i guess tyra doesn't like it when you laugh at her attempts to be serious...........so ms. bunks (yes i said bunks) had to kick it up a super notch by BANNING SMOKING FOR THE REST OF THE SEASON. ok, so i would have followed right behind mila in the packing of my drawls and heading back to the crib cuz that was just a bit much. if i want to fry my brain and torch my lungs, then i think i should be able to in peace. but what will be funniest is if someone starts to have withdrawal and spazzes out on er'body, slicing up their sheets and rubbing their cooch juiced-panties on their beds like monique did in cycle 7. HA!

au revoir and penicillin to you too, MOGWAIS! and don't spark up, mama mogwai's is always watching you!

Top Chef: Like a Rhinestone Cowboy

who at BRAVO TV is trying to kill me? i need to know! i'll return to that in a sec....

so this was part one of the finale and the remaining chefs were dropped off in the middle of the forest. HA HA HA! they had to whip up something for the quickfire on a friggin hot plate...now THAT'S a challenge. i could barely wrangle a hot plate in my college days, let alone in the middle of the lumpy grass with bugs and stuff flying around.

and "king seafood" brian dropped his fish in the grass. anyhoo, the main challenge in this ep was to prepare some yummy elks for a bunch o' cowboys and girls. sidebar:::who exactly IS padma? she is no chef, does nothing food-related, except EAT and i'm just wondering how she got her job. why does she get to taste all of the tasty goodness? i mean, i could be sitting up there if it's like that....just a random chick doing some random stuff. but if i WAS in padma's place...i think i would have been a little cautious about this challenge. the word "elk" just does something to me. it sounds wretched..."come n' get it....a fresh bowl of elk" EW! might as well say "come n' get your fresh bowl of rust." it sounds that unappetizing to me.

regardless, stale dale started to make something and of course, messed it up so he just started making up something as he went along, by boiling cauliflower and potatoes in milk? DOUBLE BARF!

casey dared to be different and cook the elk's ribs or something....you know, she just bores me to tears but she's really been stepping it up lately. brian cooked the shank and threw everything but the kitchen sink in it. and you know bottomless pit-padma was none-too-thrilled to wait 2.7 minutes for brian to plate and describe ALL his ingredients. hung made some i-don't-know and who cares cuz he rarely displeases the judges.

so, in the end, the judges decided to let 3 folks go onto the finale, so that meant only one person was going home. I JUST KNEW IT WAS GOING TO BE DALE!!!!!!!!!!!! but lo and behold, mix master brian and his 99 ingredients got the boot....after clutching my pearls in disbelief, the judges decided to deliver the final blow to the dome and declare DALE the challenge winner! help me lawd! this is not me hating........but for real, dale has sucked major man-pris since he's been there and i surely believe that tre would have been suited to make it this far. dale messes up EVERY episode, some kind of way. but alas, we are only left with hung the magic dragon, casey "i'm every woman" and stale stankin' dale and his super man-pris....UGH!

rehab, here i come.......